I wish I could tell you

I have a million thoughts in my head
A million thoughts that are breaking me down
A million more that are reminding me of the dead
A million thoughts about how they all fell

How do you justify suicide after suicide?
They were all dead inside
You know right it isn't always all fine
They all died fighting everytime

It's funny how the people who spread love, refuse to love themselves
It's funny how the people who ignite emotions in others, refuse to feel themselves
You know right, they weren't cowards, have you felt absolute helplessness yourself?

They sang, painted pictures, they gave you hope and imagination,
And how, just how in this process they all gave up?
They feel too much, they react in extremes too

I wish I could tell you how much I relate to those who killed themselves
How much I empathize with those who felt too much and did too well
I know how much they wanted to live
I know how much they tried and tried
I know how bravely they fought the battle
I know how they slipped into sadness after every 2 days of joy!
I know they were courageous and kind
I know they didn't choose the easy way
I know they fought for too long
And how in the process of giving us all some strength, they all are gone!

Go on, O traveler!

How does it feel to be different? Having a different set of ideas, and standing by those ideas always? How does it feel to be considered as an outcast? Because you don’t know what you want to become in life?

He woke up asking such questions to himself each day. He likes to spend hours in his bathroom, with the tap on, listening to the drops hitting the water in the bucket. He is lost in his own thoughts most of the times, and fears that his thoughts will kill him someday. He loves being around people and discussing, but he finds peace in being alone in the company of some music or his thoughts alone. He wants to give up on everything and hit the road, with or without music, because what he believes is that world is music. There is constantly music around us, we fail to acknowledge it, probably because man has stopped imagining all the beautiful things, and has lost the ability to perceive things as they are, without judging them.

He says, Go on, O traveler. Life is a car and time its wheels. He wants to drive his car, but people often pull and push, hit and run, turn it around and kick it hard. No, that does not affect him, he is still on the driver’s seat. He loves colors, but somehow black and white appeals to him more than anything else. He wants to go back in time, and experience the nature at its best. Maybe be a nomad for a while. He believes that thoughts, thoughts alone are the best friend of man. There is high that the air gives us. He does not blame the world. He feels sad for the people, because most of them are in a bad trip and they don’t know how to enjoy that bad trip.

He has learned the art of enjoying the bad trip and converting it into a good one when he feels like. He hasn't perfected it, but his thoughts often give him confidence and hope. He likes being around his thoughts, he talks to his thoughts, argues, discuss and they together come up with a conclusion. He is just like everyone, with a different set of ideas and thoughts, and that makes him what he is. He falls in love, eats, dances, talks, meets people but everything with a different perspective in his mind. It’s his soul that talks, he chooses not to use his brains when it is not needed. He loves himself, and so he loves his life, he loves everything that God has created, because he believes everything is out there because it was meant to be there.

And that’s why, when he looks around, he says, ‘Go on. O traveler’. 

The words didn't betray her. That dream did.

It came as a feeling of joy. She couldn't believe it as happening right inside her mind. She could feel each word she was reading, and connecting so easily with the simple things the book talked about. It was as she was in conversation with the book. It was like the book asked her if she wanted it, and gave her exactly what she asked for. The plot shaped up just like she was imagining it to be. As she read one word and guessed the other in less than a second, she was right about each word that followed. It felt like both the book and she had some telepathic power. She seldom read books, given the fact how lazy reader she was. But every time she did, she knew where was the book heading, she exactly knew what will happen next. Maybe she picked me predictable books, but it gave her happiness. It gave her the feeling of a competition that she won almost all the time.

She would say, “I’m in love with you”, and before she completed her sentence, the book would say, “oh! How much do you love me? Every book she picked up, could talk to her, would become her best friend, or even a lover and could read her thoughts. She felt like she was the one writing the book. It never betrayed her.

Not until, one day she picked up a book, just out of desperation, she was missing someone to share her thoughts with for a long time. She hadn't got enough time to read, or rather complete a book. She had left several books half read, because there was no joy in predicting them, she thought. That day she picked up this book, and promised to herself that she will finish it, no matter what. She started to read from it, and soon the book gave her the joy she was longing for. As she reached the climax, she realized she was tired, and decided to sleep. As soon as she entered her dreams, she couldn't help dreaming about the book. Dreams in a way are so uncontrolled. It’s like you are in a state of trance, and you are tripping and falling, but not being able to control yourself. She dreamt about this book, taking an unexpected turn. She tried controlling it, but she just couldn't, so helpless she felt about everything. Next morning, she woke up quite early, out of desperation of completing the book. She started exactly from where she had left, it betrayed her. It did not went like she expected it to go. It went like it was in her dreams. She felt betrayed. She gave up. She gave up after two chapters.

Today, her friend gifted her the same book. Her friend was quite excited, and wanted her to finish it quickly so that they could discuss it. All these years she hadn't read any book, as she felt betrayed. Today as she opened this book again, as promised to her friend, she couldn't believe she was reading the same book. The joy she felt was similar, but it kept going as she was predicting it in her thoughts. It ended just like she expected it to. She was surprised. She had found that friend again. She had found her love again. It was the same old lover she had missed all this years, and she realized how wrong she was about it.

The words didn't betray her. That dream did.

Educational Institutes and the building mindsets

We always talk about empowering youth. We talk about globalization. We talk about equality. We talk about our changing mindsets.

I have grown-up in a small town, where talking to a boy was a crime. People would talk ill about you, and even the most educated upper middle class women would gossip about how bad the 10-12 years old girls were when they used to talk to boys. Fortunately my parents were brought-up in a very urban family, and never really restricted me on interacting with boys. I always thought it’s just a small town thing, and people in Mumbai must be open-minded (Mumbai was a fascination back then for me). Well, my opinion changed in just a year after I shifted to Mumbai.

Now let’s get to the point. Recently I attended a college festival of a quite well-known college in Mumbai. One of my friends was performing there. I was in the audience when I saw that there was a barricade put in the middle on the sitting area, one side was for girls and the other for the boys, that was the first shock. There were NSS volunteers standing around the barricade. Now what these volunteers were told to do is, not to let any guy and girl talk to each other from above the barricade. That was another shock. There is already a barricade put, there are a lot of volunteers to make sure that people don’t jump over the barricade, there are also teachers standing around, keeping a look on all the audiences, then why are these volunteers asked not to allow girls and boys talk to each other? And look at the irony, there is dance & fashion show competition going on, with all kinds of romantic tracks, girls and guys dancing together, hand in hand. Backstage I see girls and guys sitting on each other, chatting having fun and here they are trying to prove that they are much disciplined?

Well, whatever was the reason, Educational Institutes should be concentrating on educating students, I never believed that colleges should inculcate moral teachings, it should in-fact talk about how prejudiced is the society and talk about equality between girls and boys. I don’t know how right I am but this, don’t talk to each other, stand apart, and watch your friends performing is just not right. It is a very sick attitude.

Inequality also begins at home

Since past several months, something has been constantly disturbing me. I have tried to put it down here; I don’t know how you guys will perceive it. Views, opinions are welcome in the form of comments.

For instance, there are two siblings, one being a boy and the other being the girl. Both are in their 20s, both of them have a wish, maybe to buy something expensive, of course a middle class cannot afford to spend on both the things in the same month, and one of them will have to wait. What my questions is, often why is a girl made to wait? Why can’t a father or a mother ask the boy to adjust, and wait?

Another instance, both of them are earning, the girl wants to spend her salary on her wish, but she isn’t allowed to do so. Why? That money has to be saved for your marriage. It is a saving. Sounds sensible, agreed, but then when the boy earns, he goes straight to Dominoes, spends as much as he wants, comes back home, and says he wants to buy something from his salary this month. Parents will argue, try and explain him that he should not spend on something not essential, but in the end, give up, and let him do what he wants to.

At the same time I have seen a lot of families where the scenario is balanced or exactly opposite but most of the times, it is the same story mentioned above.  What I have narrated above is just an example, a lot of such incidences happen every day.

I’m lucky enough to have parents who since I was kid, always said, “marriage? Forget that, earn enough for yourself, learn to manage our expenses yourself, and then we will get your married to someone you want to get married to”. I have been staying away from home since 5 years now, but even today, when my mom has to take a decision regarding my brother, his life, his career, anything, I’m called for my opinion and views. My brother demanded that he should be allowed to ride my scooty. My Dad clearly stated, “Ruchika is coming next week, if she allows you to use it, you very well can”, and no my brother did not feel insulted, in fact he was confident enough that I will never say no to him. This does not mean, the boys in my family aren’t important. What is important is that, the sister is elder, and she has all the rights to decide for her brother just like his mother or father.

There is no high or low. There has to equality. There has to be logic. There has to be respect for every individual. If you treat your daughter second, and your son first, then expect the same behavior from your son for his wife and his daughter. The same behavior will be passed from generation to generation, and a woman will never come out of the social problems she has been facing since ages.

Birthday Post - I'm feeling Lucky

Some 21 years back, a really beautiful lady was 9 months pregnant, and was out with the love of her life, to watch the colourful and musical festival of Navratri on the streets of Ghatkopar, when she started craving for an ice cream. So the obedient husband, his best friend and the lady went to a nearby restaurant to have some ice cream, apparently the ice cream was called 'gadbad ghotala', and suddenly she realised that the baby inside her tummy wanted to desperately come out and dance to the tunes of the garba music! That was 27th September 1992, and the baby was successful in coming in this world on the 28th of September 1992.

 Till date, Navratri has been her favourite festival, and garba her favourite dance form. Unlike most of the families in India, this particular family was looking forward to a girl child, and their happiness knew no bounds today, 21 years back. It is 21 years since that day, and till today they have been proud to have, not one, but 3 beautiful girls in their family.

 Today on my 21st b'day, I feel lucky to be able to pick up my phone, understand, and be able to write about my feelings. I feel lucky to know my Birth Date. I feel lucky that all my 21 birthdays I had a cake to cut, I had an opportunity to celebrate it. In spite of being a girl child, In spite of being a women, In spite of coming from a not-so-modern family. I Feel lucky to have a FAMILY.

Two Different people, Two different perspectives!

He decided to buy it, and she was happy, because she always wanted it, but could never buy it. They researched around it day in and day out. After a lot of research he canned the plan of buying it at all. That made her sad, but never mind, she would convince him someday, she convinced herself.

One afternoon, suddenly he wanted to buy it again. She smiled to herself, she was successful. But she never knew there was a lot to come. The research started again, and this time she had to convince him to buy what she wanted to always buy, and yes yet again, she won.

It was bought, she was happy, he was happy too, finally something they both loved, wanted was theirs. He loved to click and she loved getting clicked. He clicked her with his newly bought camera. She was the first one to get clicked with his brand new camera and the happiness knew no bounds.

Some days back she wanted the camera, just, because she wanted to click, because she wanted to explore, because suddenly she felt like she could click, she asked him for it. He did not refuse, but forgot. He forgets a lot of things that she says, because there are other important things to remember, Or because he has a habit of forgetting things. She ignored.

One fine day, happiness was around the corner, both were busy with their smart phones and then she looked at the screen of his phone. He was talking to his best friend who is one of the most important parts of his life. And she realized that he is selling it off for another one.

He felt bad that he hadn't told her, but he hadn't told her because he wanted to surprise her with the new one. That is so sweet, and that made her happy from the inside, but what distressed her was that she was attached to the old one, she wanted to see it, touch it, yes he owned it, but wasn't she equally a owner, or maybe not. She loved it, it was her first one, their first one, and she wished to see it. But he had a plan, a plan to surprise her, to see that smile on her face, is it right to ask him about this plan, was it right to ask him to get the old one back so that she could bid it a goodbye.

Whose mistake is it? Who has to compromise/understand/adjust? Who should let it go, and embrace the happiness for the other? 

Love is not a sacrifice!

Certain people in life leave a long-lasting impact on you. Some are warm and walk along with you without you knowing at all, and some just leave you as soon as you get into some trouble. Yet you fall in love with those who are the most difficult to get, who you feel are better, smarter than you.

The love is so deep, deaf, blind that all you can see, hear, feel is just that one person. He/she becomes your lifeline; you can look into their eyes forever, and can hear that person till the end of your life. So much so that it frightens you to be so addicted to a person. You, for a matter of fact, know that this is not how it should be, but the love is so dumb and deaf that it never understands. Only your heart works day and night, your brain stops functioning.

Then comes a point when your intense love becomes a habit, it becomes a ritual, you don’t imply to irritate someone, but your constant looking into the eyes, your constant talking, texting, calling frustrates that person, and then comes the understanding part. You slowly and gradually stop losing control on yourself and unknowingly the mood, behaviour  words of that person start controlling you. But still the brain does not respond, the heart keeps getting hurt.

One fine day you wake up to see that your lover has left forever, He/she is still there, because it is difficult for that person too, but there is no love. The love has left both of you for some good, but still the brain refuses to respond, all that works is the heart. You remember all that you guys have done for each other. You cry and cry and cry, people, friends, family, everyone starts talking shit about that person, but you refuse to accept. They ask you to move on, but you just can’t.

This is the time you need each other the most, but no, both of you think about yourself, about your heart. You cross-examine yourself, start finding faults in you. You blame yourself for everything. You feel paralysed  helpless, a part of you is walking away and you can’t do anything about it.

All the good memories linger around you, and all the bad keeps forcing you to leave. You are stuck in between nowhere. You know there is no future, but still you want to give it a chance, in spite of giving it a chance 1000 times before. Everything around reminds you of that one person. Then you start thinking that the person isn't happy with you, so why cling, leave him, and sacrifice your love.

No-one knows what is right and what is wrong. When in love people have their own definitions of love, and when love is lost, you ask yourself what is love, remember Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ~Alfred Lord Tennyson, never regret, cherish your love, because when there are 10 bad things, there are 10 good things happened. You might not be able to ever forget, but you will ultimately forgive. Moving on is a little over-rated, a person, truly in love never moves on, he/she just makes herself believe that there is hope, and lives to get back the love.

Talk about Rape!

Have been reading a lot about ‘Rapes’ a lot these days. Every Tom, Dick and Harry has something to say about it. Nobody realizes that talking, tweeting, assuming, writing, debating is very easy, but actually going through the agony, the pain, the disgust, the whole fucking situation (during and after rape) is pathetic, be it a attempt to rape or even rape. Most of us, girls, have gone through an attempt to rape kind of a situation once, or several times in our lives. Stares, touching at all the wrong places, groping, passing lewd comments, is so common that we have started considering it us a part of our lives. When I sit and write this piece, I go back to all the situations I have gone through in the 21 years of my life, since the day I was born. I want to collapse and die right here, not because I'm ashamed or disgusted but because I ignored all of those really disgusting attempts of various men around me, just like that, instead of raising my voice or stabbing them to death.

 People are talking about the rapes going unreported, well, try going to the police, or even your own parents or friends, and narrate what, how, where, when the rape happened to you, you will realize how much courage and determination you need for that. It is easier to sit and shout, get to action, and then go debate in the media. Every person, or rather every girl has two personalities. We are moulded into two different people. One is full of emotions, be it anger, shame, or love, and the other is the practical one. The first is our natural self, which would want to revenge, teach someone a lesson, love a person no matter what, be kind, or extremely rude, and the second one is completely made-up, the one that the society will approve off. Usually the second one is stronger, and forces the girl to shut up in the fear of the society, which includes her family and closest of friends.

Punishment? Stricter Laws? Government Action? Really? All of these are going to help? No, they won’t help, because the Rapists don’t really care. It’s the urge that they care about (no matter how disgusting it sounds) and you can’t reason that out. What they care about is the fun, they wouldn't think about the consequences before committing the crime, they don’t have enough time, the urge, and the girl both will get away if they consider any kind of thinking before committing the crime. You say that all these heinous rape cases being reported by the media will stop people from committing this crime? All this tweeting, debating on national televisions, forming an opinion, defining rape is going to help? No, it is making it worse. I have seen guys talking about rape, discussing about it and laughing, because it is no more a crime, but a fad, a trend, if you are a part of a rape you are cool, you are on TV, people are talking about you, after all any publicity is good, isn't it? Isn't that what we people say, isn't that what media believes?

 Stop it for God’s sake, Since the Mumbai Rape Case happened all that I have been seeing in some of the leading newspapers is RAPES, Rapes all over India suddenly being reported, editorials full of what is wrong and what is right, articles about how a girl should ensure her safety, all kinds of does and don’ts. All of this isn't doing any good, women will still shy away and not report rapes, Men will still commit the crime, there is no end to it, unless we decide to change the way we think, unless we change our belief system, and that is a pretty long process, till then at least stop this sudden love towards preventing rape, only when the crime is committed and reported, and then forget about it, till some other group of men commit the crime again, for the much needed attention, for fun, and for the instant fame.

She & Her & Some Hope

She is a girl, fearless girl, who has been brought up with immense love and care. Her family has given her freedom, made her into an independent women, given her everything she needed, and moulded her into a responsible women.  In spite of being brought up in a small town, she hasn't been any different from her other counterparts. She stepped into Mumbai, to live on her own, when she was just 15.

Today she is a 21 year old woman, and when she hears about these rapes around the country, one feeling that haunts her is Anger. She is not scared; being scared is not going to help. Telling her story will only make people point fingers at her. Raising her voice will get her all the more stares and challenging the rules set up for a woman of this country will only increase her chances of getting raped.

Every morning when she walks down the road, there is a feeling that someone is constantly following her, that someone has his eye constantly at her.  But she ignores them all, walks down the road anyway, head held high, staying alert. Sometimes she sits alone and cries, cries for her freedom, cries for some safety, cries because her male counterparts are safe, cries because she is a girl, but then she goes off to sleep, because reasoning has never helped in this country. 

A gang rape, which came under the limelight, makes the people hurl abuses at the government, the police, and the country. What about those which go unnoticed each day? And forget about the rape, the same people raising their voices on the social networking sites, will discuss about how the girl will spend her life. Traumatized for sure, but she isn't dead, she can lead a normal life, if you let her lead one. She doesn't mind saying this, that rape is over-rated, yes it is OVER-RATED, because we don’t stop giving sympathy, no, the victim does not need sympathy, she needs hope.

She will live in Mumbai, will not leave India, she will have the same respect for men in her country, but she will have no trust. She will go out, meet her friends, might as well come late at night, and will always know that every moment there is chance of getting molested, of getting raped. The memories won’t stop haunting her; in fact she will go through the same feeling, every time women will be raped in India. She will lead a normal life, but will know that there won’t be a moment when she will be safe. She will continue to live on her own, head strong, with little hope, that one day she will be safe, and till she gets to see that one day, she has to live, live with the memories, live with the hope.

Last Evening

The kind of a girl I am, I cannot be alone, not even for a moment, except when I am depressed, or when there is no other option, but to be alone. Last evening, after office I decided to go shopping, all by myself. The deciding part itself took like an hour, and then accepting the fact that I was going alone, took another hour. Even offered my colleague to accompany me, but then she refused, and, I finally ended up going out alone.

I have my own weird reasons of not going alone somewhere out, I have never really been alone, always been indecisive and  always had this odd feeling of roaming around all alone, plus my talkative nature just can’t stay quiet, especially when I am somewhere out, and get excited about anything.  Now let’s get back to last evening, when I dared to step out alone, entered a mall alone, and bought things all alone, with much confusion and saved a lot of time and also saved a lot of money.

And before I tell you how I am feeling, right now, while writing this piece of blog post, let me clear that I didn’t go shopping for clothes or accessories or any girly stuff. I went shopping for stationary. Yes, you heard it right stationary. 

So I was sitting at my office, with not much work, and I with no mood to either read or write or surf on the internet, so I sat in front of my desktop, staring into infinity and thinking about random things (one of favorite pastimes at work) and somehow it struck me that nothing is making me cheerful at that particular moment, and I don’t want to go back home and stare at the wall, so I an idea struck me that I should go shopping, shopping for something productive.

 Now how is stationary productive? I have always been really fascinated with painting, sketching, drawing or whatever form of art you call it. And some 2-3 months back, my grandfather had given me an advice that I should spend some part of my salary to buy something that will increase my credibility and add to my talent. So I decided to buy a book, and guess what I ended up buying Paints, and sketch book, and sketch pens, and pencils and paint brushes and so many more things. And then I came back home, and kept staring at it like a baby, you know every year in school, when your parents used to buy you those new books, and pens, and pencils, and bags, and you used to be so excited about everything, that was how excited and happy I was after buying those small, productive things.

And I wrote this whole thing, just because I had to express my happiness somewhere and write how easy it is to shop alone. Next time when I ask anyone to come to shop along with me please remind me this incident. I would really appreciate and treat that person with a pastry.

Love - Conditioned or Unconditional ?

What do know about love? What have you understood about love? What makes you fall in love? How do you know if you are in love?

As ironic as it may sound, but love was the simplest and the most complicated feeling that existed according to her. She had fallen in love several times and believed that love could be shared and could happen more than once. Every time she broke up, she used to take months to move on, but once moved on she used to fall in love once again, not that she forgot the love for her previous boyfriend but still loved her current boyfriend as much as she loved the previous or even more.

Love for her was a very pure feeling, and she couldn't lie about it just because the society will call her a cheap or even a slut, or because her current boyfriend will get hurt. She always gave her 100% and was always loyal, but like love, loyalty cannot be defined. Being loyal doesn't mean you are not allowed to think about a third person, you are not allowed to appreciate the other person or you are not allowed to be human to other guys around. Being in a relationship should not restrict you or your feelings. Your love for someone doesn't mean you are bound to him. And if you say you haven’t fallen for any person, be it for his charm, looks, or just nature, since you are in a serious relationship, then 99% of the people are lying. Lying to their partners or lying to their own selves, or just binding their own selves to something that isn't acceptable.

Many people will argue that, people in love are supposed to be possessive. Firstly nothing is ‘supposed to’ in love. It isn't bound by rules and regulations, if it is, then it isn't love, it’s a compromise, a show-off or an adjustment. And yes possessiveness is necessary and natural but again it cannot be defined. There is a difference between being possessive and being insecure. Love is respecting a person and accepting him/her like they naturally are. People change when they fall in love, people do adjust when they are in a relationship but that change and adjustment should not be forced or even influenced, it should be natural.

Nobody can answer what is love, not even Shakespeare or even Shahrukh Khan. Love is different for each individual. She might believe in something that her partner won’t believe in. Both the people should be able to accept each other with the differences. It’s not always about what society thinks, it’s about what you and your partner think. Love is an amazing feeling, let be as amazing with will, don’t get your wishes around it and spoil the feeling.

She & Her - Part 2

She entered the police station, scared; she didn't know the identity of any of those guys, nor the details of the vehicle used for the crime. She just knew that what had happened to her could have happened to anyone. The police were welcoming, made her sit, offered her some water and gave her enough time to start the story from the time she woke up that day to the time she stepped inside the police station

The story was told, heard, believed but still not considered true. As ironic as it sounds. She wouldn't blame anyone for not believing her story because even she did not believe herself. She had no clue what had gone wrong on her part and why was she targeted by those young boys probably from a respected family. She had no clue why those guys did not harm her as long as she was in the car with them, they were not sure? Or they were scared of the crime they were planning to commit? Or they couldn't understand why she did not scream enough and pleaded to leave her? Whatever is the reason, fortunately or unfortunately she was safe.

Attempt to rape and Rape are two very different things. You can’t prove attempt to rape, how do you know that those guys were actually kidnapping her to rape. Who is going to believe her when she herself is dumbfounded about the whole situation? That’s how the society, our law works. A girl being eve-teased, touched or even forcefully made to give away her self-respect, is not considered as heinous as Rape.

She gave her statements to several people at the police station, and every time she narrated her story she could feel the pinch, she would control her tears and kept telling herself to be strong. She had fought with 4 guys at once and saved herself, but even she wasn't sure if those guys were going to rape her or they were just having fun in their normal, boring lives. Every time she gave her statements she couldn't mention the word rape, that made her feel disgusted and she couldn't believe that would have happened to her.

Is it society or is it her moral? Well, Morals are imbibed in us because of the society around us. But was it really rape? Or just another attempt to rape? What was it, that she still feels the pinch when someone mentions it to her, people say she was fortunate to be saved, people call her brave, but do you notice the regret, the disgrace, the disgust behind her constant smile?

Some things cannot be explained, The feeling itself is so strong that it does not leave you no matter how much you try to run away from it, or maybe it is just the way you think and the society.