The CHILL girl

Hi, I want to talk today and I choose this stage because when I am talking to people I know I am not really me.

I am trying so hard to be 'not like every girl' that I forget I am infact a girl.
"Oh no no I am not that clingy type of gf, our relationship isn't like every other relationship, I am chill about things man."

But wait, am I really okay? Its almost funny how well I pretend. Before anyone else points out how I have gained weight, I quickly say it myself, "Oh God I am gaining weight." This is my way of defending myself. It hurts a lil less when you tell yourself things that others might say.

"When was the last time you visited a parlour? Keep yourself groomed", they say.
"Ahh there is so much work, just no time."

The truth is I hate parlours and I don't care about those hair. And you know what go fuck yourself.

But I am chill, I don't feel as much, and common I am not like every girl.
"He has a tinder profile, do you know that?"
"Oh of course I know it, and I am chill about it, its cool."

The truth is I am just another fool. Ignore that pillow turned into a pool.

"What about my self-worth and self-respect? Oh it's too far to reach now. I am absolutely chill now."

I won't overanalyze a situation for more than a few hours or a few years. Trust me, I am cool.

"Seriously you want to buy that pink dress."
"Oh no no"
I will pretend I hate pink coz I am not girly, I am chill. How about denim and some frill.

Secretly I wish I had a 100 shades of lipsticks but hey I am broke. I can only afford a troll.

Chill is the word I have started to hate now. Its my birthday but I am not excited. Chill girls aren't excited about birthdays man. Its just another day. Big deal.

There is so much more to me then being chill but who cares, all they want is a chill girl. I am done being chill, I feel, and I can be a kid. I love balloons and I am in love with cotton candy. I love shopping and some dates mean a lot to me. I am not so fond of travelling, I would rather break a leg on a Saturday night. Its high time I stop pretending for people who mean nothing to me.

Dare you call me chill again or ask me to chill. Trust me I will freeze you with the same chill.

I wish I could tell you

I have a million thoughts in my head
A million thoughts that are breaking me down
A million more that are reminding me of the dead
A million thoughts about how they all fell

How do you justify suicide after suicide?
They were all dead inside
You know right it isn't always all fine
They all died fighting everytime

It's funny how the people who spread love, refuse to love themselves
It's funny how the people who ignite emotions in others, refuse to feel themselves
You know right, they weren't cowards, have you felt absolute helplessness yourself?

They sang, painted pictures, they gave you hope and imagination,
And how, just how in this process they all gave up?
They feel too much, they react in extremes too

I wish I could tell you how much I relate to those who killed themselves
How much I empathize with those who felt too much and did too well
I know how much they wanted to live
I know how much they tried and tried
I know how bravely they fought the battle
I know how they slipped into sadness after every 2 days of joy!
I know they were courageous and kind
I know they didn't choose the easy way
I know they fought for too long
And how in the process of giving us all some strength, they all are gone!

She is simply a hurricane

She is love, fierce,
for love is the only emotion that is universal in the world of emotions.

Water, water is what she is not.
She burns fire, for she is air.

Sometimes she is caught between being idealistic and being practical,
between her and the world.

She is a cyclone, she is dust, she is magic and she is brush.
Paint the picture and make it burst. Colours all around, she is lust.

They say she feels too much.
Thoughts whirl around such, that she forgets how much is much.

She has reached a quarter, it's a phase, will pass,
why is crying such a task.

She is a contradiction between is and was.
She is the letter R, of rain, remember and river.
She flows and falls. She is a thought.

Let her be, don't force her to change.
She dissolves in pain.
She has seen the worst but she can't let go of her trust.
They call her naive but she doesn't believe in labels and definitions.

What are you looking at? Yes she is a girl. Stop judging her by the days in a month. Empathy is her strength and vulnerability is her friend.

She is simply a hurricane.

Cannot seem to find an escape

It began with occasional outbursts, nightmares and feeling of disappointment in myself
It began with the feeling of failure, self blame and extreme anxiety
You know how it feels to not feel yourself?
Like someone has created a rift between you and you
Like you are not you anymore
You don't laugh like before, you cry more often, your anger is insane and you feel scared for yourself
You wake up in the middle of the night, wet, in sweat, mouth open,throat dry
Dad says change your sleeping position, head in the south
Mom tells you to be strong, visit home you will feel better
Brother wants you to start taking those medicines your Psychiatrist friend prescribed
And your sister is in her own mess with teenage issues
There are days you are so positive and the next day you are so negative, so much so you are scared to feel positive coz it's often followed by the feeling of negative
Keep yourself busy, meditate, Yoga might help
But hey will someone tell me how do I get up from the bed?
I don't want to wake up, it's the easiest way to avoid the world, the pain
Easiest to avoid those stares when you walk in that lane
It's funny how you feel you are the most ugliest person around
And still you have a hope to again be found
You know that feeling of extreme helplessness , fatigue, sadness, anger, self pity..Yes that one time when you felt cornered and targeted, that's how I feel every single day.
I pretend to be fine, I pretend I am happy, coz every time I tell people I am not, I don't think they believe me
It's all drama, stop pretending you are depressed
It will pass, it's just a phase
Hey think positive, you will be fine
How about some yoga and exercise
Take those medicines, they will help
You don't want to help yourself
You are used to being mesirable
This happens to everyone
Look they are in much worse condition, stop complaining
Pretend you are happy and stop cribbing
I get anxious, I blame myself, maybe they all are right, maybe I am just stuck here, maybe I am pretending, maybe this is just attention seeking
But it all feels like a web. I can't seem to find an escape.