I’m a woman. I’m a citizen of India. I’m a HUMAN.
There have been times, when I have been labelled as a ‘loud’,
‘over-reacting’, ‘short-tempered’ girl. But I have never understood why a
normal reaction about an issue is as heinous as rape, or child labor, or even
women-empowerment an over-reaction? Aren’t we all supposed to do something
about this? Aren’t we all supposed to get up and walk miles for this to stop?
I remember reading a news about a molestation incident some
years back, I reached college and got into a discussion with a male friend. The
incident that I had read about was about a young girl being molested on a busy
street and nobody came forward to help or even had the guts to call the police.
The friend I was talking to said, ‘In India, messing up with the police is the
last thing anyone will do? It is just too exhausting and you never know you
might be put behind the bars’. I asked him, ‘What if a girl is being molested
in front of you, what you will do then?’ He had no answer to that.
I remember watching a film – ‘Lessons in forgetting’ at a film
festival while I was on my college IV. I kept crying the entire movie, and couldn’t
get over the helplessness of being a women even after the movie. Two of my male
friends while trying to console me said this is India, you can’t do anything
but protect yourself. Changing the mindset will take infinite time. I said, ‘But
it has to start somewhere, it has to get somewhere, this isn’t the problem of
one woman, there are thousands out there’. The conversation still remains
incomplete.
I kept denying the fact that nothing can change, there is no
hope. I kept arguing about how India is our country, the people who do wrong
things are us, and the people who are victimized are us as well. I kept
fighting, I kept thinking, I kept feeling outraged. I could never think of
running away from the problem. People kept saying, don’t do this, don’t do
that. It is unsafe to go out in the dark. It’s unsafe to wear body-hugging
clothes. It’s unsafe to party with friends. It’s unsafe to travel alone. I
would never listen.
March 2013: I remember being pulled in a car by four unknown
guys, taken to a deserted place in an attempt to ‘have some fun’. As they say, ‘Luck
favors the brave’ I escaped with no physical scars. Reading this, there will be
a lot of people thinking, why the fuck is this girl revealing this online. My
parents might feel angry too. But this incident shattered me. I would give all
the excuses in the world to not go out of the house. I started feeling
inferior. I started to break-down too often. Mood-swings. Anger. Self-pity. All
this made me so vulnerable, that I hated the fact that I was a women. I would
cry all day thinking, if ever I get married, I won’t give birth to a girl
child. I would cry all day feeling powerless. I could not confide in anybody. I
couldn’t talk to anybody. I was dying each day, and it was directly effecting
all my relationships.
I’m still figuring out what got me out of all that negative
thoughts.
February 2014: I applied for a fellowship at Teach For
India.
I know a lot of people who talk about Indian economy and how
they want to settle in some other country. I have really close friends who
think India isn’t the country for higher education and how other countries have
a lot of offer. What I don’t understand is aren’t we all trying to run away
from the problems? When we talk about civil rights, why do we forget our
duties? ‘I pay my taxes, I’m doing my duty’, really? Aren’t you and me responsible
for the Delhi gang rape? Aren’t we responsible for a brilliant kid saying, ‘what’s
the point of studying so much, I’m going to end up where I was born anyway’
Aren’t we all responsible for global warming, lack of opportunities, crime
rates rising?
A lot of people will still say, ‘hum kya karr sakte hai’ But
to be honest it’s not because we have no hopes, it’s because we aren’t working
hard, we don’t want to take the efforts, we don’t want to put ourselves in
trouble, because we always want a guarantee, because we are lazy, because we
are selfish. Because we think money can fucking buy happiness.
Well, that’s how it is. And I don’t know when we will take
the efforts to live in this country, face all the shit with utmost courage and
be a part of the history.
I’m a woman, who has gone through things that is only a
certain percentage in this country. I don’t mind just surviving and not living
(as people view comfort today) if I have a purpose in life. And a purpose is
most definitely not a luxurious life. It does not count as a purpose. I will
die hoping that none of the kids I see in my teaching career commits any kind
of crime but instead works for the betterment of the society (which is highly
difficult, considering the statistics of different crimes in this country) but
I won’t give up. Because I’m not only a woman but I’m also a citizen of this
country and most importantly I’m a HUMAN.
