You ignore, and it will grow louder

Last week, a friend, 19 year old, dared to enter the police station to complain about a boy teasing her in the college. Few months back, she dared to fight those monsters, escape rape, and walk to the police station with her story.

‘Xyz percentage of rapes, harassment, torture on women go un-reported’, I see this changing. She is not going to sit quite now, she will shout, shout on the top of her voice, to get justice, to get freedom, to walk with dignity, head held high. I’m smiling, when I type each word, because I know she is happy, she is confident, and she has the sword in her hand, ready to charge on anyone who points fingers at her.

I walk down the road, I see men staring, I see them murmuring, but I walk, head held high, because I know, no-one except myself, can scare me, the sword is in my hands. No-one but you have the grip, you are the only one who has the control, and no-one can touch you, because you have the sword, that you had kept aside all these years, and now you have picked that up. Walk, walk with our head held high, ignore the monsters, they are cowards, they won’t dare come around you, because you hold the sword in your hand, they are scared of you.

Society? I make the society. I nurture the society. I am the power. Society is just a concept, I define the concept. She defines the concept. No, the society will not change, its I who has to change, who has to constantly hold the sword, and be ready to charge it on those monsters. She only makes the grip firmer, because she won’t back down now, she will only wait, with attention, and charge as soon as those monsters come towards her.

From those discriminations, to the assaults, from that harassment to that torture everything will come to an end, soon. You ignore, and it will grow louder. She won’t shut up now, she will shout, she will charge, she will win, because she is I, and I am she.

Inequality also begins at home

Since past several months, something has been constantly disturbing me. I have tried to put it down here; I don’t know how you guys will perceive it. Views, opinions are welcome in the form of comments.

For instance, there are two siblings, one being a boy and the other being the girl. Both are in their 20s, both of them have a wish, maybe to buy something expensive, of course a middle class cannot afford to spend on both the things in the same month, and one of them will have to wait. What my questions is, often why is a girl made to wait? Why can’t a father or a mother ask the boy to adjust, and wait?

Another instance, both of them are earning, the girl wants to spend her salary on her wish, but she isn’t allowed to do so. Why? That money has to be saved for your marriage. It is a saving. Sounds sensible, agreed, but then when the boy earns, he goes straight to Dominoes, spends as much as he wants, comes back home, and says he wants to buy something from his salary this month. Parents will argue, try and explain him that he should not spend on something not essential, but in the end, give up, and let him do what he wants to.

At the same time I have seen a lot of families where the scenario is balanced or exactly opposite but most of the times, it is the same story mentioned above.  What I have narrated above is just an example, a lot of such incidences happen every day.

I’m lucky enough to have parents who since I was kid, always said, “marriage? Forget that, earn enough for yourself, learn to manage our expenses yourself, and then we will get your married to someone you want to get married to”. I have been staying away from home since 5 years now, but even today, when my mom has to take a decision regarding my brother, his life, his career, anything, I’m called for my opinion and views. My brother demanded that he should be allowed to ride my scooty. My Dad clearly stated, “Ruchika is coming next week, if she allows you to use it, you very well can”, and no my brother did not feel insulted, in fact he was confident enough that I will never say no to him. This does not mean, the boys in my family aren’t important. What is important is that, the sister is elder, and she has all the rights to decide for her brother just like his mother or father.

There is no high or low. There has to equality. There has to be logic. There has to be respect for every individual. If you treat your daughter second, and your son first, then expect the same behavior from your son for his wife and his daughter. The same behavior will be passed from generation to generation, and a woman will never come out of the social problems she has been facing since ages.

Don't walk away

It was just another day; they had not spoken properly for a week now. And in that one week, her life had gone upside down. She had taken such decisions of her life, for which he was responsible equally, but was not there for her.

Some two months back something had gone terribly wrong with her, and he was right there, besides her, helping her out of it. But all that was flushed down the drain now. What is the point now? He isn't there for her throughout, he left her midway. She had to face it alone, and he made it worse, because now she had to start from the beginning, learn to stand for herself, and stop hoping he would come for her.

Last one year was frustrating for both, yet she stood for him every time, and he wouldn't walk away forever. They both tried hard to make it work, but unfortunately he lost his patience and walked away, promising he would never return back, and warning her to stay away from him. And coincidently it happened when she needed him the most, she went through the trauma all alone, without putting him in trouble, or creating a fuss out of it.

He returned back, a week later, the same day she emerged victorious in moving out of him, and creating a whole new identity for herself in her own mind. He returned and it wasn't very long since he had left, so she fell for him, yet again.

It is just another day today; they haven’t spoken properly since three days now. He says he will, but he said that a day back too. He says he will call, but she has a meeting to attend. He says he will talk, but what about her work. Of course you don’t disturb someone when he/she is at work. And of course you don’t irritate someone, when he/she is having fun with friends. She understands, but what about her time.

It isn't that important that in a relationship you communicate daily. But when the need arises, you do need to communicate. And for a matter of fact, communication can never be one-sided. It has to be two-sided. Moody she understands, Space she understands, but ignorance for the one you have loved so dearly that you have kept giving her chances, she doesn't understand.

It’s time to move away, when the value decreases, priorities change, when standing on the road and talking to random someone becomes more important the person waiting to hear from you.

The world is a small place, someone somewhere someday would take it all away from you, you might never regret it, sit there and say, ‘what has to be yours, will be yours’ but remember, earning something, and treasuring it needs efforts.

Happiness is You

Love never dies. Hope is constant. Wish is unavoidable. Life isn't perfect. All that can be altered is you.

Most of our life seems messed up when we expect it to be altered, to be better, to be near to perfection, to be like the way we would like it. But happiness could never be defined, and if someone did define happiness, it is nothing but you.

All of this seems so irrational, when you apply it in your life. You still expect, you still want the other to make you smile; you still desperately want to be happy. Happiness is all everyone wants. But what gives one the desired happiness differs.

Sometimes you give-up relying on others for that smile, but you still expect people not to ruin that smile, or not to be the reason for your sorrow. So again you are relying on others for your own happiness.

Sometimes you just cling on to people, because sometime in life they were the reason for your happiness, they still are, or maybe not, but we tend to expect them to keep us happy. So again your happiness is in hands of someone else, who has defined happiness for himself in a different way then you.

Happiness is love for yourself, love for your own strengths, your weaknesses. It is the confidence, the patience, the kindness you possess, for yourself.

Loving yourself gives you the unconditional happiness and the strength to love the other.

Still I would say Happiness is over-rated. Isn't being sad also satisfying sometimes. How many times did you cry and cry and then slept like a baby? We will come to that some time later.  

You make a plan, are super-excited about it, and somehow it is all ruined.

This was the third event they had missed together. She made the plan 2 days back. ‘Listen, we need to do 2 things this month, one attend xyz exhibition and two go and celebrate Oktober Fest somewhere’, she had told him 2-3 days back on whatsapp.

His reply was clear, ‘Jayengey’, he said. The exhibition was ending soon, last two days, and she thought to her, weekend, weekend is the best time to go there. She will be free, mentally also. But somehow before she could say anything, he had some urgent work to be completed. They missed it yet again.

She wanted to attend it, because the exhibition was about something they both would love to attend. Very rarely their likes matched. And this was something both of them were passionate about. This had happened the third time.

She was upset, wanted to meet him, but he was busy with his work. She planned to meet her girl friends instead, but considering the work hours they could meet only late in the evening. Informing him was important, but as always, that made him upset. ‘jaaaa’ he replied to her.

Next day she had plans to meet her girly gang. It becomes really difficult to keep in touch once you start working. And then there comes a time when you really want to meet those college friends and talk about everything you can. She was happy and determined to meet them, click pictures, bitch, and feel content.  He was upset once again. He rarely said it directly, he normally changed his tone, or just suddenly would get caught up in some work and tell her that he will talk later.

She had plans next day too. She mentioned that too. He was already upset or maybe it was just in her head. He rarely said it directly. ‘Leave me alone when I’m upset, I will be fine later’, he always said. But that moment would all ruin it, she would keep thinking about him, even around her friends. ‘That is the problem, you think a lot, did I ask to think’, he would say then. But she cared, cared about his happiness, his approval mattered to her.  ‘So why do you plan something you know will make me upset’, he said. What about her happiness? Who will think about that?

Two Different people, Two different perspectives!

He decided to buy it, and she was happy, because she always wanted it, but could never buy it. They researched around it day in and day out. After a lot of research he canned the plan of buying it at all. That made her sad, but never mind, she would convince him someday, she convinced herself.

One afternoon, suddenly he wanted to buy it again. She smiled to herself, she was successful. But she never knew there was a lot to come. The research started again, and this time she had to convince him to buy what she wanted to always buy, and yes yet again, she won.

It was bought, she was happy, he was happy too, finally something they both loved, wanted was theirs. He loved to click and she loved getting clicked. He clicked her with his newly bought camera. She was the first one to get clicked with his brand new camera and the happiness knew no bounds.

Some days back she wanted the camera, just, because she wanted to click, because she wanted to explore, because suddenly she felt like she could click, she asked him for it. He did not refuse, but forgot. He forgets a lot of things that she says, because there are other important things to remember, Or because he has a habit of forgetting things. She ignored.

One fine day, happiness was around the corner, both were busy with their smart phones and then she looked at the screen of his phone. He was talking to his best friend who is one of the most important parts of his life. And she realized that he is selling it off for another one.

He felt bad that he hadn't told her, but he hadn't told her because he wanted to surprise her with the new one. That is so sweet, and that made her happy from the inside, but what distressed her was that she was attached to the old one, she wanted to see it, touch it, yes he owned it, but wasn't she equally a owner, or maybe not. She loved it, it was her first one, their first one, and she wished to see it. But he had a plan, a plan to surprise her, to see that smile on her face, is it right to ask him about this plan, was it right to ask him to get the old one back so that she could bid it a goodbye.

Whose mistake is it? Who has to compromise/understand/adjust? Who should let it go, and embrace the happiness for the other? 

Love is not a sacrifice!

Certain people in life leave a long-lasting impact on you. Some are warm and walk along with you without you knowing at all, and some just leave you as soon as you get into some trouble. Yet you fall in love with those who are the most difficult to get, who you feel are better, smarter than you.

The love is so deep, deaf, blind that all you can see, hear, feel is just that one person. He/she becomes your lifeline; you can look into their eyes forever, and can hear that person till the end of your life. So much so that it frightens you to be so addicted to a person. You, for a matter of fact, know that this is not how it should be, but the love is so dumb and deaf that it never understands. Only your heart works day and night, your brain stops functioning.

Then comes a point when your intense love becomes a habit, it becomes a ritual, you don’t imply to irritate someone, but your constant looking into the eyes, your constant talking, texting, calling frustrates that person, and then comes the understanding part. You slowly and gradually stop losing control on yourself and unknowingly the mood, behaviour  words of that person start controlling you. But still the brain does not respond, the heart keeps getting hurt.

One fine day you wake up to see that your lover has left forever, He/she is still there, because it is difficult for that person too, but there is no love. The love has left both of you for some good, but still the brain refuses to respond, all that works is the heart. You remember all that you guys have done for each other. You cry and cry and cry, people, friends, family, everyone starts talking shit about that person, but you refuse to accept. They ask you to move on, but you just can’t.

This is the time you need each other the most, but no, both of you think about yourself, about your heart. You cross-examine yourself, start finding faults in you. You blame yourself for everything. You feel paralysed  helpless, a part of you is walking away and you can’t do anything about it.

All the good memories linger around you, and all the bad keeps forcing you to leave. You are stuck in between nowhere. You know there is no future, but still you want to give it a chance, in spite of giving it a chance 1000 times before. Everything around reminds you of that one person. Then you start thinking that the person isn't happy with you, so why cling, leave him, and sacrifice your love.

No-one knows what is right and what is wrong. When in love people have their own definitions of love, and when love is lost, you ask yourself what is love, remember Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ~Alfred Lord Tennyson, never regret, cherish your love, because when there are 10 bad things, there are 10 good things happened. You might not be able to ever forget, but you will ultimately forgive. Moving on is a little over-rated, a person, truly in love never moves on, he/she just makes herself believe that there is hope, and lives to get back the love.

Talk about Rape!

Have been reading a lot about ‘Rapes’ a lot these days. Every Tom, Dick and Harry has something to say about it. Nobody realizes that talking, tweeting, assuming, writing, debating is very easy, but actually going through the agony, the pain, the disgust, the whole fucking situation (during and after rape) is pathetic, be it a attempt to rape or even rape. Most of us, girls, have gone through an attempt to rape kind of a situation once, or several times in our lives. Stares, touching at all the wrong places, groping, passing lewd comments, is so common that we have started considering it us a part of our lives. When I sit and write this piece, I go back to all the situations I have gone through in the 21 years of my life, since the day I was born. I want to collapse and die right here, not because I'm ashamed or disgusted but because I ignored all of those really disgusting attempts of various men around me, just like that, instead of raising my voice or stabbing them to death.

 People are talking about the rapes going unreported, well, try going to the police, or even your own parents or friends, and narrate what, how, where, when the rape happened to you, you will realize how much courage and determination you need for that. It is easier to sit and shout, get to action, and then go debate in the media. Every person, or rather every girl has two personalities. We are moulded into two different people. One is full of emotions, be it anger, shame, or love, and the other is the practical one. The first is our natural self, which would want to revenge, teach someone a lesson, love a person no matter what, be kind, or extremely rude, and the second one is completely made-up, the one that the society will approve off. Usually the second one is stronger, and forces the girl to shut up in the fear of the society, which includes her family and closest of friends.

Punishment? Stricter Laws? Government Action? Really? All of these are going to help? No, they won’t help, because the Rapists don’t really care. It’s the urge that they care about (no matter how disgusting it sounds) and you can’t reason that out. What they care about is the fun, they wouldn't think about the consequences before committing the crime, they don’t have enough time, the urge, and the girl both will get away if they consider any kind of thinking before committing the crime. You say that all these heinous rape cases being reported by the media will stop people from committing this crime? All this tweeting, debating on national televisions, forming an opinion, defining rape is going to help? No, it is making it worse. I have seen guys talking about rape, discussing about it and laughing, because it is no more a crime, but a fad, a trend, if you are a part of a rape you are cool, you are on TV, people are talking about you, after all any publicity is good, isn't it? Isn't that what we people say, isn't that what media believes?

 Stop it for God’s sake, Since the Mumbai Rape Case happened all that I have been seeing in some of the leading newspapers is RAPES, Rapes all over India suddenly being reported, editorials full of what is wrong and what is right, articles about how a girl should ensure her safety, all kinds of does and don’ts. All of this isn't doing any good, women will still shy away and not report rapes, Men will still commit the crime, there is no end to it, unless we decide to change the way we think, unless we change our belief system, and that is a pretty long process, till then at least stop this sudden love towards preventing rape, only when the crime is committed and reported, and then forget about it, till some other group of men commit the crime again, for the much needed attention, for fun, and for the instant fame.

She & Her & Some Hope

She is a girl, fearless girl, who has been brought up with immense love and care. Her family has given her freedom, made her into an independent women, given her everything she needed, and moulded her into a responsible women.  In spite of being brought up in a small town, she hasn't been any different from her other counterparts. She stepped into Mumbai, to live on her own, when she was just 15.

Today she is a 21 year old woman, and when she hears about these rapes around the country, one feeling that haunts her is Anger. She is not scared; being scared is not going to help. Telling her story will only make people point fingers at her. Raising her voice will get her all the more stares and challenging the rules set up for a woman of this country will only increase her chances of getting raped.

Every morning when she walks down the road, there is a feeling that someone is constantly following her, that someone has his eye constantly at her.  But she ignores them all, walks down the road anyway, head held high, staying alert. Sometimes she sits alone and cries, cries for her freedom, cries for some safety, cries because her male counterparts are safe, cries because she is a girl, but then she goes off to sleep, because reasoning has never helped in this country. 

A gang rape, which came under the limelight, makes the people hurl abuses at the government, the police, and the country. What about those which go unnoticed each day? And forget about the rape, the same people raising their voices on the social networking sites, will discuss about how the girl will spend her life. Traumatized for sure, but she isn't dead, she can lead a normal life, if you let her lead one. She doesn't mind saying this, that rape is over-rated, yes it is OVER-RATED, because we don’t stop giving sympathy, no, the victim does not need sympathy, she needs hope.

She will live in Mumbai, will not leave India, she will have the same respect for men in her country, but she will have no trust. She will go out, meet her friends, might as well come late at night, and will always know that every moment there is chance of getting molested, of getting raped. The memories won’t stop haunting her; in fact she will go through the same feeling, every time women will be raped in India. She will lead a normal life, but will know that there won’t be a moment when she will be safe. She will continue to live on her own, head strong, with little hope, that one day she will be safe, and till she gets to see that one day, she has to live, live with the memories, live with the hope.

Last Evening

The kind of a girl I am, I cannot be alone, not even for a moment, except when I am depressed, or when there is no other option, but to be alone. Last evening, after office I decided to go shopping, all by myself. The deciding part itself took like an hour, and then accepting the fact that I was going alone, took another hour. Even offered my colleague to accompany me, but then she refused, and, I finally ended up going out alone.

I have my own weird reasons of not going alone somewhere out, I have never really been alone, always been indecisive and  always had this odd feeling of roaming around all alone, plus my talkative nature just can’t stay quiet, especially when I am somewhere out, and get excited about anything.  Now let’s get back to last evening, when I dared to step out alone, entered a mall alone, and bought things all alone, with much confusion and saved a lot of time and also saved a lot of money.

And before I tell you how I am feeling, right now, while writing this piece of blog post, let me clear that I didn’t go shopping for clothes or accessories or any girly stuff. I went shopping for stationary. Yes, you heard it right stationary. 

So I was sitting at my office, with not much work, and I with no mood to either read or write or surf on the internet, so I sat in front of my desktop, staring into infinity and thinking about random things (one of favorite pastimes at work) and somehow it struck me that nothing is making me cheerful at that particular moment, and I don’t want to go back home and stare at the wall, so I an idea struck me that I should go shopping, shopping for something productive.

 Now how is stationary productive? I have always been really fascinated with painting, sketching, drawing or whatever form of art you call it. And some 2-3 months back, my grandfather had given me an advice that I should spend some part of my salary to buy something that will increase my credibility and add to my talent. So I decided to buy a book, and guess what I ended up buying Paints, and sketch book, and sketch pens, and pencils and paint brushes and so many more things. And then I came back home, and kept staring at it like a baby, you know every year in school, when your parents used to buy you those new books, and pens, and pencils, and bags, and you used to be so excited about everything, that was how excited and happy I was after buying those small, productive things.

And I wrote this whole thing, just because I had to express my happiness somewhere and write how easy it is to shop alone. Next time when I ask anyone to come to shop along with me please remind me this incident. I would really appreciate and treat that person with a pastry.