'I feel' because you might not feel the same

I don't understand why are things in my school not organised. Why are there not enough people to take up responsibilities given to the amount of unemployment in India. I don't understand why there isn't a proper communication mechanism in place considering that there are 4 different mediums working in the same building in 2 different slots. No I don't suffer from any OCDs. In fact I believe OCDs are over-rated.They shouldn't exist unless you are clinically diagnosed with that. Still they shouldn't exist. Okay. Point. To ask for perfection is not too much. To ask for an organised organisation isn't being sick. Its normal. Very normal. Okay, we teachers will sit for 2 hours extra every Saturday and clean our school but where is the discipline (that we claim to teach our kids and say it is essential for being given a place in the society in the category of good people) in just running the school without any chaos and disorder (I mention both chaos and disorder because I feel both when mentioned alone are lesser evil than what we teachers face in our day to day lives).

My left hand was almost about to get fractured (doctor said) because of this very chaos. I won't mention the incident as that will just ruin my beautiful writing. So you give in the rare people you have to mould your future for saving on hiring more people into an organisation or maybe I should say institution so very important. At first I felt infuriated when a parent said, 'aapko paagar milti hai kaam karneki' I literally wanted to stab her with a pencil that my 7 year olds use to write what I teach. But then I realised she is in the same boat as me (and she can push me in the sea). How can u expect a normal human being to stay calm in a overly disorganised organisation that is very important for the future generation. Anyway I also feel that I can whine better when Im high on a good book (maybe because it just got over, and I'm back to my usual life).

But again 'I feel' because you might not feel the same.

They never said it was easy!

I always wondered, what keeps people motivated to work?  Is it money, fame, recognition, ambition? How do people leave jobs that give tangible rewards and take up tasks that seems almost impossible, hopeless, and difficult? All my questions were answered instantly, when Mr. Nipun Mehta, founder of ServiceSpace said, “If you are connected to humanity, if you form a circle of love, you won’t need money, fame or recognition”. Think about it.

When after 5 weeks of training, I entered my classroom in a Government school, I was more than surprised to see good infrastructure. I had nothing to complain about with regards to the demographics of my school. But this is a very small percentage of the actual scenario. I know fellows working in dingy classrooms, no fans, no windows, 60 students sitting in a small classroom all crammed up, classrooms with tin roofs which rattle and leak during monsoons etc. All the bright, young professionals, who have left their AC offices, for some who have relocated this is a huge change. But they choose to be the part of a movement, a movement that with the utmost convictions says, ‘one day all children will attain an excellent education’.

All this is fine. All this is what we were prepared for when we committed to dedicate two years to this movement. What comes as a shock is, when we enter a grade 6 classroom and realize only 20% of the kids can speak in English and 50% of the class can understand basic instructions in English. We are here to bridge the gap. To bring our kids to their grade levels, and here we start from the scratch. Not only do we struggle with math, fluency, comprehension, writing, but we also struggle with empowering them to understand and speak in English. But we don’t give up. We promise to give our 100% and do whatever it takes to empower these kids.

What comes next is what we fellows face on a daily basis. Instructional hours: on an average, schools in India are for 5 hours. Out of which a lot of time goes by in settling, recess, morning assembly, virtual class etc. Apart from this, there are a lot of last minute changes to the time-table and our plans. Some days the craft teacher wants an hour with the kids, on the other days the Marathi teacher is rushing with her portion. There are days when the principal calls for a meeting, and on the others the school is celebrating Eid, Holi or Diwali. We are struggling every hour. We have kids from various levels in our classrooms and so it is not uncommon to take on these groups separately to help resolve the differentiation which involves extra class, differentiated plans and constant permissions from the school officials to let us use the classrooms apart from the school hours. In some cases, fellows also resort to teaching in open spaces around the schools.

What still keeps us going? One fine day, Safialam comes and fills my empty water bottle with the water that is in his water bottle. When I asked him why is he doing so? He replies, “Didi, you talk all day, you never complain when you have a sore throat, isn’t it our responsibility to take care of you like you take care of us”. We easily term these kids ‘poor’ or ‘underprivileged’ , ever wondered how do they manage to make you smile every single day with so little to give.

Lost and found

She hated herself. She hated herself for those scars, for loss of people, for pain, for all that added to her confusion, for the organization she worked for, for little things that affected her. She hated herself for her heart, her head and her body. She hated herself because she couldn't love enough or because she loved too much.

Today, as she looks back she has fallen in love with that hate. Hating something, someone is easier than hating you. She does not remember when she suddenly changed, or maybe her thoughts changed. Maybe she was destined to change, but she does not believe in destiny. What was that, that changed her? She fails to get an answer to that, but it does not matter anymore. She needed a motivation, she needed appreciation, she needed respect, and she needed to know that she is absolutely amazing. Sometimes, all you need in life is to be reminded how awesome you are. How your existence is important to someone somewhere somehow. And more often, you won’t believe it when someone who loves you says that. Maybe, maybe because we take our close ones for granted.  

She was a storm, both in and out. And she made it evident almost every time. Today she looks back and realizes she is as calm as those books that speak to you in a way no-one but only you will understand. She loves, and at the same time expects little. She dances, and her feet do not get tired. She sings, even if she knows her voice is not heard. She reads, without the fear of losing interest. She looks up in the polluted sky and finds exactly the stars that are not visible to the other million people. She knows that there is something beautiful is in her that has made her what she is today. She looks back often, just to find out what, what has made her this in a matter of 9 months. Has 2014 brought luck, but the very thought of luck makes her sulk. It isn't luck, it’s something else, self-realization? Yes, maybe.

Sometimes, your thoughts are a hurdle in discovering yourself. Sometimes, you don’t know how you are different from others. Sometimes you idolize someone so much that you want to be them. And then life brings you here, where your thoughts change, your discoveries are immense, you accept that you aren't one of those, and you start idolizing yourself. And from there you rise up, in yourself. You don’t need any more external appreciation, or any more external motivation or any more external respect to be yourself. Because you now believe in yourself, and automatically you start believing in life, in humanity.