She hated herself. She hated herself for those scars, for
loss of people, for pain, for all that added to her confusion, for the organization
she worked for, for little things that affected her. She hated herself for her
heart, her head and her body. She hated herself because she couldn't love
enough or because she loved too much.
Today, as she looks back she has fallen in love with that
hate. Hating something, someone is easier than hating you. She does not
remember when she suddenly changed, or maybe her thoughts changed. Maybe she
was destined to change, but she does not believe in destiny. What was that, that
changed her? She fails to get an answer to that, but it does not matter
anymore. She needed a motivation, she needed appreciation, she needed respect, and
she needed to know that she is absolutely amazing. Sometimes, all you need in
life is to be reminded how awesome you are. How your existence is important to
someone somewhere somehow. And more often, you won’t believe it when someone
who loves you says that. Maybe, maybe because we take our close ones for
granted.
She was a storm, both in and out. And she made it evident
almost every time. Today she looks back and realizes she is as calm as those
books that speak to you in a way no-one but only you will understand. She
loves, and at the same time expects little. She dances, and her feet do not get
tired. She sings, even if she knows her voice is not heard. She reads, without
the fear of losing interest. She looks up in the polluted sky and finds exactly
the stars that are not visible to the other million people. She knows that
there is something beautiful is in her that has made her what she is today. She
looks back often, just to find out what, what has made her this in a matter of
9 months. Has 2014 brought luck, but the very thought of luck makes her sulk. It
isn't luck, it’s something else, self-realization? Yes, maybe.
Sometimes, your thoughts are a hurdle in discovering yourself.
Sometimes, you don’t know how you are different from others. Sometimes you idolize
someone so much that you want to be them. And then life brings you here, where
your thoughts change, your discoveries are immense, you accept that you aren't
one of those, and you start idolizing yourself. And from there you rise up, in
yourself. You don’t need any more external appreciation, or any more external motivation
or any more external respect to be yourself. Because you now believe in
yourself, and automatically you start believing in life, in humanity.
