I'm just as human as you

I’m a woman. I’m a citizen of India. I’m a HUMAN.

There have been times, when I have been labelled as a ‘loud’, ‘over-reacting’, ‘short-tempered’ girl. But I have never understood why a normal reaction about an issue is as heinous as rape, or child labor, or even women-empowerment an over-reaction? Aren’t we all supposed to do something about this? Aren’t we all supposed to get up and walk miles for this to stop?

I remember reading a news about a molestation incident some years back, I reached college and got into a discussion with a male friend. The incident that I had read about was about a young girl being molested on a busy street and nobody came forward to help or even had the guts to call the police. The friend I was talking to said, ‘In India, messing up with the police is the last thing anyone will do? It is just too exhausting and you never know you might be put behind the bars’. I asked him, ‘What if a girl is being molested in front of you, what you will do then?’ He had no answer to that.

I remember watching a film – ‘Lessons in forgetting’ at a film festival while I was on my college IV. I kept crying the entire movie, and couldn’t get over the helplessness of being a women even after the movie. Two of my male friends while trying to console me said this is India, you can’t do anything but protect yourself. Changing the mindset will take infinite time. I said, ‘But it has to start somewhere, it has to get somewhere, this isn’t the problem of one woman, there are thousands out there’. The conversation still remains incomplete.

I kept denying the fact that nothing can change, there is no hope. I kept arguing about how India is our country, the people who do wrong things are us, and the people who are victimized are us as well. I kept fighting, I kept thinking, I kept feeling outraged. I could never think of running away from the problem. People kept saying, don’t do this, don’t do that. It is unsafe to go out in the dark. It’s unsafe to wear body-hugging clothes. It’s unsafe to party with friends. It’s unsafe to travel alone. I would never listen.

March 2013: I remember being pulled in a car by four unknown guys, taken to a deserted place in an attempt to ‘have some fun’. As they say, ‘Luck favors the brave’ I escaped with no physical scars. Reading this, there will be a lot of people thinking, why the fuck is this girl revealing this online. My parents might feel angry too. But this incident shattered me. I would give all the excuses in the world to not go out of the house. I started feeling inferior. I started to break-down too often. Mood-swings. Anger. Self-pity. All this made me so vulnerable, that I hated the fact that I was a women. I would cry all day thinking, if ever I get married, I won’t give birth to a girl child. I would cry all day feeling powerless. I could not confide in anybody. I couldn’t talk to anybody. I was dying each day, and it was directly effecting all my relationships.

I’m still figuring out what got me out of all that negative thoughts.

February 2014: I applied for a fellowship at Teach For India.

I know a lot of people who talk about Indian economy and how they want to settle in some other country. I have really close friends who think India isn’t the country for higher education and how other countries have a lot of offer. What I don’t understand is aren’t we all trying to run away from the problems? When we talk about civil rights, why do we forget our duties? ‘I pay my taxes, I’m doing my duty’, really? Aren’t you and me responsible for the Delhi gang rape? Aren’t we responsible for a brilliant kid saying, ‘what’s the point of studying so much, I’m going to end up where I was born anyway’ Aren’t we all responsible for global warming, lack of opportunities, crime rates rising?

A lot of people will still say, ‘hum kya karr sakte hai’ But to be honest it’s not because we have no hopes, it’s because we aren’t working hard, we don’t want to take the efforts, we don’t want to put ourselves in trouble, because we always want a guarantee, because we are lazy, because we are selfish. Because we think money can fucking buy happiness.

Well, that’s how it is. And I don’t know when we will take the efforts to live in this country, face all the shit with utmost courage and be a part of the history.

I’m a woman, who has gone through things that is only a certain percentage in this country. I don’t mind just surviving and not living (as people view comfort today) if I have a purpose in life. And a purpose is most definitely not a luxurious life. It does not count as a purpose. I will die hoping that none of the kids I see in my teaching career commits any kind of crime but instead works for the betterment of the society (which is highly difficult, considering the statistics of different crimes in this country) but I won’t give up. Because I’m not only a woman but I’m also a citizen of this country and most importantly I’m a HUMAN.

Sometimes.

Sometimes all you want to do is run away. Somewhere where there is no one. No human to feel any emotions other than bliss. Too much of a human contact is terrible sometimes. It just makes you more and more vulnerable. You are not you around people. You are you only when you are with yourself. I'm a people person, I can't be alone for a long time. I'm terrified of the people who don't like interaction. But sometimes I feel that is what I need. No interaction. No one to talk to. No one to hang out with. No one to expect anything from. No one to be a reason for my happiness. Because my happiness is mine after all. No one can understand my happiness nor can they understand my sorrow.

I'm a mess. People will label me a drama queen, but who are these people? People who you are running away from. People who in the end are the reason you are writing this. People who somehow inspire you to not give a fuck about them. People who are nothing but just another set of humans who are messed up in their own head, just like you are. You can write about it. Maybe they can't. They are just living with it, without uttering a word.

'I feel' because you might not feel the same

I don't understand why are things in my school not organised. Why are there not enough people to take up responsibilities given to the amount of unemployment in India. I don't understand why there isn't a proper communication mechanism in place considering that there are 4 different mediums working in the same building in 2 different slots. No I don't suffer from any OCDs. In fact I believe OCDs are over-rated.They shouldn't exist unless you are clinically diagnosed with that. Still they shouldn't exist. Okay. Point. To ask for perfection is not too much. To ask for an organised organisation isn't being sick. Its normal. Very normal. Okay, we teachers will sit for 2 hours extra every Saturday and clean our school but where is the discipline (that we claim to teach our kids and say it is essential for being given a place in the society in the category of good people) in just running the school without any chaos and disorder (I mention both chaos and disorder because I feel both when mentioned alone are lesser evil than what we teachers face in our day to day lives).

My left hand was almost about to get fractured (doctor said) because of this very chaos. I won't mention the incident as that will just ruin my beautiful writing. So you give in the rare people you have to mould your future for saving on hiring more people into an organisation or maybe I should say institution so very important. At first I felt infuriated when a parent said, 'aapko paagar milti hai kaam karneki' I literally wanted to stab her with a pencil that my 7 year olds use to write what I teach. But then I realised she is in the same boat as me (and she can push me in the sea). How can u expect a normal human being to stay calm in a overly disorganised organisation that is very important for the future generation. Anyway I also feel that I can whine better when Im high on a good book (maybe because it just got over, and I'm back to my usual life).

But again 'I feel' because you might not feel the same.