Sometimes saying sorry is just not enough!!!

A cheeky, pampered, dramatic girl that she had been for the first twenty years of her life came crashing down sometime back. She could scam, flirt, make a big deal out of everything and be a bitch to almost every guy she met. When the situation turn worst she could manage to squeeze out few fake tears and gain as much sympathy as she could to force people to love her and when everything failed, she would build a tower out of lies like a motherfucker. For her a consequence was a narrow concept that was nothing more than a chart kids make in high school.

And like they say, Karma, almost slapped her face, turning it red and blue. The guy she was best friends with, the guy she had fallen for, the guy she had almost given up half of her shit dumped her (for all the aforementioned reasons) . The excuses about her imperfect childhood, the excuses about how they had been together for 3 years and how she would die if he leaves her, those real tears and that genuine fear, nothing was working. When he broke up with her she was obviously devastated. Just like, ‘pick up a knife and chop off your own head’ devastated. He called her a bitch. He called her true feelings bullshit. She had to face the real consequences now. There was no fixing here, it was a fairy tale nor was it a bollywood movie.

She was a problem solver. She had always been a fixer, she always found solutions for almost everything, and here she was stuck, stuck with the reality. She felt like a fool, when she tried reasoning out with herself, saying he will come back one day, this will pass or he is going to miss her. There was no coming back happening here. He had gone, tired of her shit, he had lost more than she had.

She fucked up something beautiful by being a psychotic bitch, with her irrational and dramatic ideas, mixing her true genuine love with her insecurities and she was now trying to fix the unfixable.

So I guess it’s like this: sometimes in life, you will do horrible, shitty things that make you want to cringe and slap yourself over the head.  Then you will feel so awful that you will want to take action to try and “fix” them.  But you can’t.  Because sometimes, the things we do are too awful to fix and saying sorry is just not enough.  And you’ve got to put down the phone or get off Facebook and just let it be.  And sit with the horrible, shitty thing you did and know that even sorries come with consequences.

We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.” – Charles Bukowski

“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.” – Charles Bukowski

For years she believed what society told her. She kept learning looking at the actions of those around her. She was just another product of the society’s inability of reasoning and fake love. She grew up thinking love was not just about giving unconditionally but there were any ifs and buts to it.

She was put into a new world for a few weeks. She was told everything she could never believe. She could not accept anything for a long time. And when she did, she wasn’t aware of it as it was a very unconscious effort. Love and gratitude and the concept of Seva, somehow touched her. Maybe she always believed in those, but the society suppressed those feelings and forced the feeling of hatred and selfishness on her. She was in peace. She couldn’t involve herself in so much love, but looking at as a observer, gave her a lot of peace. She was happy to stand in the audience, without moving an inch and look at those on the stage, genuinely loving each other.

Peace does not last forever. She was sent back to the world she belonged to, to impart the things she had learnt on some tiny souls. She was confident; she was excited, she was glad she would be able to be the change. The first thing, after she entered the world of hatred and selfish gains, was mind your own business or you won’t be happy. People will take advantage of your kindness and use you. Was it that easy for people to take your advantage in this universe? When you help others, do you do that to receive something significant from them? Or is the satisfaction you get of helping others enough? The person you are helping, are you giving that person one more chance to be selfish or you are doing it because it makes it easier for the other person, or maybe you are doing it because it gives you some kind of satisfaction. Does the last reason say that you are selfish?

I leave it open for you all, to think, to question, to explain to justify. She is confused, she is lost, she is on a path where such questions will arise. She is strong, she will surpass, but she feels she won’t find the answers ever.

Abusing the innocence

She was as young as a 6^th grader. Had recently started to hit puberty and was experiencing the anxieties she couldn't understand. She felt like she was losing herself to the constant don’t do this, don’t do that of the society. She was confused, happy, anxious, sad, angry everything at the same time. She felt dirty, clean, pretty, ugly everything together. She was not an adult neither a kid any more, and this often put her in the state of trance.

Summer vacations are always the time to have fun, enjoy, visit new places and meet relatives. Like every year, this time she will be meeting her uncles and aunts, and she was very excited about it. She was going to meet her mom’s uncle and aunt and their family this year. She was meeting them for the first time. She had packed a day before and was super excited to leave the following morning. She had heard great stories about her uncle and aunt, they had spent a great amount of time in a foreign country, and recently their son had returned from abroad, Mom had told her he had brought lots of chocolates for her. She had never expected that this visit will be so memorable that the scenes from the two days she spent there, will haunt her all her life.

They had reached the house and hour back. She was introduced to everyone there and was very happy with all the chocolates, games, gifts and so much delicacies that was offered to her. Soon, she got bored of the constant yapping of her mom and aunt. Noticing her boredom, her aunt asked her to go inside and play on the computer for a while. You can’t imagine the happiness on her face when her aunt mentioned COMPUTER. Those were the days when everyone did not own a computer, and those who owned one were not allowed to sit and play on them most of the times, as computers those days were only for work. She jumped from her seat and went inside. While trying to figure out how to switch on the computer, her uncle came to her rescue. A man in his 50s, sat beside her while she was busy playing a game. Slowly made her sit in his lap, put his hands around her waist, and in no time his hands were inside her t-shirt, caressing her tiny growing breasts. She sat there in disgust, in confusion, in pain for 15 long minutes, after which she just got up and went to her mother, sat there in silence till dinner was served. The man continued to sit beside her whenever he got a chance the entire evening, picking up magazines are showing her images of scantily clad women, describing them to be sexy. She was scared, could not move, could not utter a word, just wanted to run away from that house and never return back.

That night she had a hard time sleeping. And as she got some sleep, it was morning already. And to add to the horror and pain, as soon as she opened her eyes she could feel that man’s hands inside her night-dress. She could hear his voice, saying, “Beta, sleep, this will give you a nice sleep”. She got up pushing him behind and went to her mother, asking her to leave from that place at once. She kept throwing tantrums until her mom finally decided to leave. The entire time her mom kept dismissing her tantrums by saying, “She is very close to her father, can’t stay away from him even for a night you see”.

That incident still haunts her. She has kept quiet about it for years together. That uncle is avoided in most of the family functions, by most of her female cousins, probably because she was not the only victim.