Hopelessly Hopeful

She lay down there, on her bed
You know how it is to struggle to keep your eyes open and close
At the same time?
Darkness and light.
It feels like you can't walk a step further nor a step behind.
She lay down there all alone, dreaming the real
Imaginations can cause harm, she never knew
The real was all a imagination come true
He walked in quite, lay besides her
Hand on her head, on her shoulder he had his head
She felt heavy in her head, like something unreal would hit her head
Her eyes wide open, she could feel the pain
Hopelessly hopeful as things always get
She gave her hand for him to rest

Into her eyes....

Into her eyes, the world I see Is the world that breaths on humanity. I have no faith for I know its fake, But those beautiful eyes make me believe otherwise She asks me to walk away And my only hope is fizzing out I struggle to breath , longing for her love, that keeps me around The ocean of tears that her eyes shed each day, If only I could take charge and control them I have no hope, no faith, I know there is no humanity But somehow I like to tell myself I'm insane. For into her eyes the world I see, is the world that breaths on humanity I want to see her win the fight, And make me believe that she is right. If I had a choice to make her mine, I would not think once, I wouldn't think twice. Into her eyes......

Lost and found

She hated herself. She hated herself for those scars, for loss of people, for pain, for all that added to her confusion, for the organization she worked for, for little things that affected her. She hated herself for her heart, her head and her body. She hated herself because she couldn't love enough or because she loved too much.

Today, as she looks back she has fallen in love with that hate. Hating something, someone is easier than hating you. She does not remember when she suddenly changed, or maybe her thoughts changed. Maybe she was destined to change, but she does not believe in destiny. What was that, that changed her? She fails to get an answer to that, but it does not matter anymore. She needed a motivation, she needed appreciation, she needed respect, and she needed to know that she is absolutely amazing. Sometimes, all you need in life is to be reminded how awesome you are. How your existence is important to someone somewhere somehow. And more often, you won’t believe it when someone who loves you says that. Maybe, maybe because we take our close ones for granted.  

She was a storm, both in and out. And she made it evident almost every time. Today she looks back and realizes she is as calm as those books that speak to you in a way no-one but only you will understand. She loves, and at the same time expects little. She dances, and her feet do not get tired. She sings, even if she knows her voice is not heard. She reads, without the fear of losing interest. She looks up in the polluted sky and finds exactly the stars that are not visible to the other million people. She knows that there is something beautiful is in her that has made her what she is today. She looks back often, just to find out what, what has made her this in a matter of 9 months. Has 2014 brought luck, but the very thought of luck makes her sulk. It isn't luck, it’s something else, self-realization? Yes, maybe.

Sometimes, your thoughts are a hurdle in discovering yourself. Sometimes, you don’t know how you are different from others. Sometimes you idolize someone so much that you want to be them. And then life brings you here, where your thoughts change, your discoveries are immense, you accept that you aren't one of those, and you start idolizing yourself. And from there you rise up, in yourself. You don’t need any more external appreciation, or any more external motivation or any more external respect to be yourself. Because you now believe in yourself, and automatically you start believing in life, in humanity. 

When I look around, I see so much happiness

‘When I look around, I see so much pain’, she thought to herself. Her purpose before taking the big decision of applying to Teach For India was to do something for the humanity.

And now: ‘When I look around, I see so much happiness’, she thought to herself. Her purpose is a little clearer now. She is here to do something for the humanity. That something is giving some comfort, some happiness, some love.

No, those kids with broken homes, with small desires, being beaten up every day, walking to school alone, they do not need sympathy, they do not need your money, your gifts, they need safe environment, they need fun, they need happiness, they need love. Give them just a hug and they will hug you every day. Share your tiffin with them, and see the pride in their eyes. Give them small little star stickers, and they will treasure it for life.

No, my work is not difficult. I love kids, I love humanity, I love simplicity. And no, I wasn't born with all this, I came to be this over time. When that one kid in your class, who would sit quite, wouldn't share, eat her tiffin alone, comes to you one fine day with a packet of star shaped candies and says “Didi this is for you, no-one gives you stars no”, you can’t help but love your work. When that one kid honestly raises his hands, when you ask the class, who does not like didi, you know they feel safe in your class.

In past 3 months, more than anyone, I have come to discover myself. I have come to being happy, patient, loving and kind. All the philosophical stuff suddenly makes sense to me now. How much we complain, how much we cry, how irritated we really are, give it a thought.

No, I am not doing any social work. I’m getting paid for it. I love teaching, this is an amazing experience and this is leadership program, which helps me become a leader. But now all this is secondary. I love my work, I love my kids, and I’m here to make a difference. Difference in the life of others and myself.

I often look at them and think, is this love or sympathy?

I often look at them and think, is this love or sympathy? You know that feeling of being caught up in your own thoughts, and never being able to find the answers. Love – vague but beautiful, sympathy- again vague but essential.  Sympathy because you love them or you love them because you feel sympathetic.  I have always been caught up with this. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. People hate sympathy but it isn't a bad thing, or is it?

Oh look, he needs love, so I’m giving him that warmth or Oh look he is adorable, and I love him.

Oh look, she does not have a supportive family, so I will give her as much support as I can, or oh look she can do wonders, why not support her as much as I can.

Conflicting mind, kind soul is a weird combination. You never know if it’s the mind that makes you feel for someone or the soul. Those lovely little sparkling eyes make you do things or that kind little heart inside you is enough to pick up the brush and paint the future. I have wondered all my life, trying to figure out if its just me, myself or is it influenced by an external condition, force or whatever.

Is sympathy really bad, or is this another mindset society has created for man? Is humanity a condition or is it a natural everyday life process, I wonder. She kisses my palms, looking at my mehendi. She saves some candy just so that she can share it with me. He draws a new animal everyday to get those little stars from me. He smiles a million times, because I like smiling faces.  I look at him and wonder what will he grow up to be. I look at her and think what will be her next question.

They all leave home and come to me for 5 hours, because they love me, being around, or because school is compulsory. They come because they want to get out of those tiny houses, or because they really love me?

I wonder. I wonder each day. Is it sympathy that keeps me going or is it empathy?

Holding on to the strings

She couldn't express her feelings in words. But that wasn't the problem, the problem was that she tried expressing, and she failed every time. He would judge her words, and made conclusions based on them. She loved words, she loved people, and she loved life. He loved thoughts, he loved landscapes, and he loved

imagination. 

They were two different people, deeply in love with each other. But often when you fall in love, you just fall in love. There is no reason. After falling in love with him, she felt that people fall in love with each other’s differences, or was it only her. Oh, he loves adventure, how interesting, I have never had the opportunity to do something adventurous, and I might like it too. Oh she is so bubbly, I’m not like that, I love her eyes, and they twinkle all the time. She would always worry about all the things around her, and he just lived because life is to be lived, with no aim or reason.

She would dance to feel her body move, he would dance because the music would make him groove. They were different people but they were in love with each other’s differences. But love always becomes a little complicated, because with time she couldn't help asking questions: What is that thing which he loves about me? Why is he so careless? He started to compare his love to hi imagination, to the world he had created in his mind. Why is the love so entangling? Why isn't' it like a free bird?

She would get upset, and he would get irritated. She would complain, and he would shout. She would anyway want to forget it, but he would hold on to it. She would stop talking, and he would stop to imagine. The differences they loved, were falling apart. She would no more write, and he would no more play music and take her to his world. She would no more try and express and he would no more tell her stories. She would no more look into his eyes, and he would no more make love to her.

But they were in love, they couldn't leave. He was still there, and she was still here. He still cared, and she would still worry. He would still build stories, and she would still write. But they were scared to communicate. The strings were very weak, they could break any moment. Both of them were holding on to them, they never knew they will break anyway. 

Oh, so you left your job, what now?

“Oh, so you left your job, what now?” – I have come across this question at-least 12345 times in past one month. “umm uhhh I don’t know, not thought about it”, and then you see raised eyebrows, worried faces, and you-are-good-for-nothing cum you-wasted-your parents-money glares. I don’t get this. Recently I heard an uncle saying, “Why didn't you opt for diploma for your son, He will be doing engineering only no?” I don’t get this.“So you are not working now, why don’t you give those Bank exams?”

I don’t have the words to explain people or my own family that I’m not running behind the money, or behind fame, I’m looking for something that will make me happy, simply happy. ‘Oh but, you will get married one day, and then how will you survive and feed your family?” Why do I have to get married, and why do I have to have a family? Why can’t I just do what I like, get paid enough to take care of my basic needs, and live life my way?

“You don’t have a direction in life, first get some professional degree, make sure you will get a job that will pay you enough and then do what you want, secure your life first” I don’t get this. I’m 21, I have quite some time left in my life, which I can live on my own, without worrying about the family, and marriage etc. Why can’t I live it my way? All our lives we run behind securing our lives. I have to study because I have to earn, I have to earn because I have a family, I have a family, now I need to earn a little more, now I have to educate my children, get them married, and die peacefully, and dying peacefully needs money, eh?

Sitting at home, surfing on internet, listening to some music, having no job in hand is such a big deal. Why can’t I sit at home doing nothing for a while? I’m taking up a fellowship for two years. I’m doing this because I love this. But you studied advertising, why do you want to teach now? Oh so you want to be a teacher, why don’t you do B.Ed then? I want to teach for a while. I want to teach because I want to be a part of this particular fellowship, or this particular movement. I want to teach but that’s not the only thing I want to do. So you can do this later in life, first secure your life, get a proper degree, which will give you a permanent job……. But I don’t want to teach later, I might not want to teach later, I might not feel like doing it later, I’m not dying, I can study all my life. Right now I want to do what I can do, something that will make me happy, something that will give a satisfaction

Please stop advising, it is doing no good. It will either discourage me or make me like everyone else. I want to be me, and I want to be happy and money definitely can’t keep me happy for long.

Therefore, wander!

Since past several months, I have this sudden urge to travel, travel as much as I can, as much as I can manage. And surprisingly I have been coming across a lot of blogposts, articles, stories about travel. Recently I read an amazing article written by Dileep Padgaonkar, in a weekly news-magazine, and it just filled me up with more enthusiasm.

Lord Indra- well-known God in Rig-Veda, is known as the protector of travelers. In Aitareya Brahmana, he says to a young man named Rohita, "There is no happiness for him who does not travel, Rohita! Thus we have learnt. Living in the society of men, the best man becomes is a sinner. Therefore, Wander! The feet of the wanderer are like the flower, his soul is growing and reaping fruit, and all his sins are destroyed by his fatigue in wandering. Therefore, wander! He who is sitting, his fortune too sits, it rises when he rises, it sleeps when he sleeps, it moves when he moves. Therefore, wander!"

I couldn't agree more. Whats the point in staying at one place forever? It's like a frog in a well, you never really come out, and till you don't dare to come out, you don't know the possibilities of the world. I believe that you rot, when you stay at one place forever. Your brain starts rusting, and you become someone that people make you, not someone you can be. There are less risks, less adventure, and less discoveries. There is nothing that you don't know about your area, you almost know everything there, know most of the people, there isn't much challenge in making new friends, meeting new people. You have a life, but the constant updating of yourself is missing.

Wander, because your life is a gift, and you need to constantly upgrade the gift. You would want to learn to live their way, learn to eat their way, learn to talk their way, and even learn to live their way. Wander, because, your brain needs new food, your heart needs new friends, your body needs new air.Wander, because risks are adventurous, because your brain needs some exercise, because there is joy, because the happiness of 'discovering places yourself' is more than 'I know it all'. Wander, because you don't want to rust and rot, because moving means growing, because it is the best part of learning, because knowledge and experience are directly proportional, because you sin when you stay at one place forever, because traveling is satisfying, the feeling is orgasmic.

If you still don't agree, or do not relate with the feeling, I will quote Lord Indra once again here, because he puts the idea perfectly:  "There is no happiness for him who does not travel, Rohita! Thus we have learnt. Living in the society of men, the best man becomes is a sinner. Therefore, Wander! The feet of the wanderer are like the flower, his soul is growing and reaping fruit, and all his sins are destroyed by his fatigue in wandering. Therefore, wander! He who is sitting, his fortune too sits, it rises when he rises, it sleeps when he sleeps, it moves when he moves. Therefore, wander!"

Love - in every small way is meaningful

Love – I have always tried to understand this really complex and simple feeling that exists in the world. No-one could define it, the definition changes with each kind of a individual involved in the feeling, and then society comes with the most common of the definition, and start believing it, following it, falling in the feeling that has been defined by thousands of people who have lost love, cried and fought and never really sustain love.

I think Love is the most complex feeling a human being possesses. Love is essential but at the same time you want to run away, because you say, you don’t understand it, or maybe because you, like many others believe that when you love someone beyond limits, you tend to lose that person. Well, we forget the fact that, we love ourselves more than others, and 2 people who love themselves, try to control the other and lose it. Well, thats how it is, unless you possess immense respect for the other and agree to let them own you, or maybe give in to their love, which hardly happens, because your ego and the care do a weird summersault in your head.

We, Humans have defined love according to our own convenience. Today, ask anyone, everyone has a different understanding of the feeling love, but if you observe, everyone follows the same love, which is defined by the society. Very rarely you find people, who would want to break the barriers and love in a way that will be flawless and never-ending. I always tend to ask myself, why can’t you love two people at once? You won’t necessarily have sex with both, or plan to get married to the both, but still you would love both the people equally, and want to spend equal amount of time with both. But no, society limits love. You can love just one, and stay true to him/her, you cannot cheat on that person, but no, I'm not talking about cheating, it is just love for both, and it isn't shared, because love does not have limits, you can love everyone around you, with the same sincerity, with the same passion.

Well, but we tend to mix the beautiful feeling of love with mundane feeling of possessiveness, jealousy and blind faith and then lose it forever, because once you fall prey to these feelings, they don’t leave you, they stick to you forever.

Love cannot be defined, because it is not something you don't need to understand, it is something you want to feel. Everything in the world does not have meaning. That, what you feel, with absolutely calm mind, with no judgements, is what is meaningful. And love in every small way is meaningful.

He/She does not care enough? Keep Calm & Love Yourself

You will let someone, who does not care enough to decide foryour life. What do you usually do when you wake up in the morning? Look for your phone? Hope that, the person you consider special must have messaged, to say sorry for something that happened last night, or a week back, or to tell you how much you mean to him, or that he dreamt about you? Till how long will you let someone else define your happiness?

You are in your 20s; you have at least 30, or say 35 more years to go. You know right, how long that is? Will you want to spend all your life behind that one person who does not care enough?

Don’t you miss being a child? As a child you got up in the morning, looking outside the window, staring at the sun, packing for an adventurous day at school, learning, playing, and talking all day. Coming back tired, looking forward to yummy food & may be your favourite cartoon. Don’t you miss that instant happy sleep, and waking up directly the next morning?

Who says you can’t cope up with this thing called, ‘quarter-life crisis’?  Wake up, stare at the sun, let your phone be there, beeping all the time. The messages can wait, but not your life.

Walk up to someone who has been there always, who cares, and is within the reach, right in front of you, pass a smile. No such person in your life? I’m sure you own a mirror at least.

Make yourself breakfast. Delicious- compliment yourself, pack some and share with the people at work. Super-bad, curse yourself and promise to do better the next time. Get on your feet and go to the work with the same innocence you walked to school each day.

I’m sure you don’t want to end up graying your hair so soon. Look there, a lot of people, expect a lot from you, work harder, and earn yourself some experience that counts. Don’t like your job? Quit. Risk is a part of life. Find a new one, or simply work on yourself, learning never stops. Start loving yourself.

Life is very short, and yes, you don’t want to waste it onsomeone who doesn’t care enough. Create your own identity.

Inequality also begins at home

Since past several months, something has been constantly disturbing me. I have tried to put it down here; I don’t know how you guys will perceive it. Views, opinions are welcome in the form of comments.

For instance, there are two siblings, one being a boy and the other being the girl. Both are in their 20s, both of them have a wish, maybe to buy something expensive, of course a middle class cannot afford to spend on both the things in the same month, and one of them will have to wait. What my questions is, often why is a girl made to wait? Why can’t a father or a mother ask the boy to adjust, and wait?

Another instance, both of them are earning, the girl wants to spend her salary on her wish, but she isn’t allowed to do so. Why? That money has to be saved for your marriage. It is a saving. Sounds sensible, agreed, but then when the boy earns, he goes straight to Dominoes, spends as much as he wants, comes back home, and says he wants to buy something from his salary this month. Parents will argue, try and explain him that he should not spend on something not essential, but in the end, give up, and let him do what he wants to.

At the same time I have seen a lot of families where the scenario is balanced or exactly opposite but most of the times, it is the same story mentioned above.  What I have narrated above is just an example, a lot of such incidences happen every day.

I’m lucky enough to have parents who since I was kid, always said, “marriage? Forget that, earn enough for yourself, learn to manage our expenses yourself, and then we will get your married to someone you want to get married to”. I have been staying away from home since 5 years now, but even today, when my mom has to take a decision regarding my brother, his life, his career, anything, I’m called for my opinion and views. My brother demanded that he should be allowed to ride my scooty. My Dad clearly stated, “Ruchika is coming next week, if she allows you to use it, you very well can”, and no my brother did not feel insulted, in fact he was confident enough that I will never say no to him. This does not mean, the boys in my family aren’t important. What is important is that, the sister is elder, and she has all the rights to decide for her brother just like his mother or father.

There is no high or low. There has to equality. There has to be logic. There has to be respect for every individual. If you treat your daughter second, and your son first, then expect the same behavior from your son for his wife and his daughter. The same behavior will be passed from generation to generation, and a woman will never come out of the social problems she has been facing since ages.

Don't walk away

It was just another day; they had not spoken properly for a week now. And in that one week, her life had gone upside down. She had taken such decisions of her life, for which he was responsible equally, but was not there for her.

Some two months back something had gone terribly wrong with her, and he was right there, besides her, helping her out of it. But all that was flushed down the drain now. What is the point now? He isn't there for her throughout, he left her midway. She had to face it alone, and he made it worse, because now she had to start from the beginning, learn to stand for herself, and stop hoping he would come for her.

Last one year was frustrating for both, yet she stood for him every time, and he wouldn't walk away forever. They both tried hard to make it work, but unfortunately he lost his patience and walked away, promising he would never return back, and warning her to stay away from him. And coincidently it happened when she needed him the most, she went through the trauma all alone, without putting him in trouble, or creating a fuss out of it.

He returned back, a week later, the same day she emerged victorious in moving out of him, and creating a whole new identity for herself in her own mind. He returned and it wasn't very long since he had left, so she fell for him, yet again.

It is just another day today; they haven’t spoken properly since three days now. He says he will, but he said that a day back too. He says he will call, but she has a meeting to attend. He says he will talk, but what about her work. Of course you don’t disturb someone when he/she is at work. And of course you don’t irritate someone, when he/she is having fun with friends. She understands, but what about her time.

It isn't that important that in a relationship you communicate daily. But when the need arises, you do need to communicate. And for a matter of fact, communication can never be one-sided. It has to be two-sided. Moody she understands, Space she understands, but ignorance for the one you have loved so dearly that you have kept giving her chances, she doesn't understand.

It’s time to move away, when the value decreases, priorities change, when standing on the road and talking to random someone becomes more important the person waiting to hear from you.

The world is a small place, someone somewhere someday would take it all away from you, you might never regret it, sit there and say, ‘what has to be yours, will be yours’ but remember, earning something, and treasuring it needs efforts.

Happiness is You

Love never dies. Hope is constant. Wish is unavoidable. Life isn't perfect. All that can be altered is you.

Most of our life seems messed up when we expect it to be altered, to be better, to be near to perfection, to be like the way we would like it. But happiness could never be defined, and if someone did define happiness, it is nothing but you.

All of this seems so irrational, when you apply it in your life. You still expect, you still want the other to make you smile; you still desperately want to be happy. Happiness is all everyone wants. But what gives one the desired happiness differs.

Sometimes you give-up relying on others for that smile, but you still expect people not to ruin that smile, or not to be the reason for your sorrow. So again you are relying on others for your own happiness.

Sometimes you just cling on to people, because sometime in life they were the reason for your happiness, they still are, or maybe not, but we tend to expect them to keep us happy. So again your happiness is in hands of someone else, who has defined happiness for himself in a different way then you.

Happiness is love for yourself, love for your own strengths, your weaknesses. It is the confidence, the patience, the kindness you possess, for yourself.

Loving yourself gives you the unconditional happiness and the strength to love the other.

Still I would say Happiness is over-rated. Isn't being sad also satisfying sometimes. How many times did you cry and cry and then slept like a baby? We will come to that some time later.  

On your Birthday: A Virtual Gift from me to you! XOXO

As much as my memory goes, It was July 2010, when I first met this really TINY (yes yes tiny), cute female who turned out to be one of my closest friends over the years. This Blogpost is dedicated to those 4 years (well, almost) of my life that I spent with she being incredibly huge part of. 

To Shreya,
My love (No, I am not a gay)

Lets start this here, I'm sure you will kill me for this picture, but I'm also sure you understand the importance of this really sad picture of us. I think this is when we actually started to talk so much, all about You, Me, and how very much LIBRANS we are! ummm...yes, yes, PROUD LIBRANS!!!

BWHAHAAHA, Yes you have turned out to be a sex-bomb over the years! *Wink Wink*

Not many would understand the relationship between us. We aren't the gooey mushy kind of friends, we don't have pyjama parties, we aren't insecure about sharing our friends, and we don't discuss lipsticks (I don't). We are unpredictably best friends whenever it is convenient for us, and rest of the times we prefer not to bother each other, still care. You know right? That I love you! 

I look like your mom here!!!! 

The pretty, tiny girl that you are, your smile is so contagious that there have been times in college when I used to simply keep looking at you, or get jealous of that curve on your face (sounds, creepy right? confessions confessions!) You have always been a lady, who is stunning and strong at the same time. 

ahem ahem!

For every time that we have said 'pakk raha hai yaar', for all the mood swings, for those one or two cold wars we have had, for all that libran talks, for every time we sat and cribbed about our lives, for every time we discussed how bloody giving we are, all said at once, 'you are someone I would never imagine to be freinds, for looking at you, I'm so much reminded of myself, and till today I have remained confused about if I like you or hate the similarities between us' (confused us forever you know)

This incredibly amazing picture! 

Those times when I wan't very fat, and you were a cute little ball (forgive me for the description) and today, when I'm a fatass and you are a sex bomb, I love it all, You would say 'pakka mat yaar, u r soooo pretty', yaaa maybe, but still please don't you deny the fact that I'm FAT now! but I love myself because you know we are Librans, we can't hate us (umm...we can actually)

Not just Jazz by the bay (show-off)

We can ever get tired of complaining, We can fake the smile perfectly, hold on to the straight face, ignore when we want, get attached and detached pretty easily (provided the person opposite doesn't hold any grudge), love unconditionally, crib about life, yet be so lively. Dance and cry uncontrollably , love and hate ourselves at the same time. We are the perfect example of lil drama and lots and lots of pin straight life (PIN STRAIGHT). We are so cool and also so sad at the same fucking time!

With love and all the weirdness!

Yes, I will always be right here, waiting to hear to your complains, here to make you feel good about yourself, here to make you smile when low, here to make imaginary plans and enjoy the temporary excitement!!!!! And I'm here to get admitted with you on the bed next to you when we both suffer from Anxiety-induced blood clot!!!

And yesh, you will always be that tiny, pretty, completely mad friend, And we will always keep hogging on all the sweets in the world (more of Gulab Jamuns) and so much fish!!!! I love you as much as you love Gulab Jamun & Dance combined together!!!

Love,
Your Twin Libran!
XOXO

Now give me this!!!!!

You make a plan, are super-excited about it, and somehow it is all ruined.

This was the third event they had missed together. She made the plan 2 days back. ‘Listen, we need to do 2 things this month, one attend xyz exhibition and two go and celebrate Oktober Fest somewhere’, she had told him 2-3 days back on whatsapp.

His reply was clear, ‘Jayengey’, he said. The exhibition was ending soon, last two days, and she thought to her, weekend, weekend is the best time to go there. She will be free, mentally also. But somehow before she could say anything, he had some urgent work to be completed. They missed it yet again.

She wanted to attend it, because the exhibition was about something they both would love to attend. Very rarely their likes matched. And this was something both of them were passionate about. This had happened the third time.

She was upset, wanted to meet him, but he was busy with his work. She planned to meet her girl friends instead, but considering the work hours they could meet only late in the evening. Informing him was important, but as always, that made him upset. ‘jaaaa’ he replied to her.

Next day she had plans to meet her girly gang. It becomes really difficult to keep in touch once you start working. And then there comes a time when you really want to meet those college friends and talk about everything you can. She was happy and determined to meet them, click pictures, bitch, and feel content.  He was upset once again. He rarely said it directly, he normally changed his tone, or just suddenly would get caught up in some work and tell her that he will talk later.

She had plans next day too. She mentioned that too. He was already upset or maybe it was just in her head. He rarely said it directly. ‘Leave me alone when I’m upset, I will be fine later’, he always said. But that moment would all ruin it, she would keep thinking about him, even around her friends. ‘That is the problem, you think a lot, did I ask to think’, he would say then. But she cared, cared about his happiness, his approval mattered to her.  ‘So why do you plan something you know will make me upset’, he said. What about her happiness? Who will think about that?

What have you done, it has left her so numb

What have you done, she is so numb,

she loved you so; you never really know

She wanted to roam around, talk her shit out,

But you never came back, the faith you lacked

What have you done, it has left her so numb

She sits and thinks sometimes, about all the good times,

but all the bad is done, and it has left her so numb

Yes you have your own life, and she was a part,

she made you her life, and it made her so numb

Every little bad thing you said, made her depressed

Every good thing you said, got a smile on her face

Every kiss that you made, gave her so much faith

Every mistake that she made, put you away from the faith

She knows there is no future to this, but somehow there is so much hope to it.

Like a fool she sits and dream the good things

Her life is like a boat stuck somewhere

She knows the direction, but can’t make it there

Numb she is with no one there

she will figure it out, but don't know when....

She has lost it all, that could make her rest

She has found, nothing, that will make her the best

One seed that she nurtured with the care,

couldn't grow and none ever cared....

Life’s like that everyone said

But when asked why, no one cared

You will be fine, they said

But when asked how, they left her there

Two Different people, Two different perspectives!

He decided to buy it, and she was happy, because she always wanted it, but could never buy it. They researched around it day in and day out. After a lot of research he canned the plan of buying it at all. That made her sad, but never mind, she would convince him someday, she convinced herself.

One afternoon, suddenly he wanted to buy it again. She smiled to herself, she was successful. But she never knew there was a lot to come. The research started again, and this time she had to convince him to buy what she wanted to always buy, and yes yet again, she won.

It was bought, she was happy, he was happy too, finally something they both loved, wanted was theirs. He loved to click and she loved getting clicked. He clicked her with his newly bought camera. She was the first one to get clicked with his brand new camera and the happiness knew no bounds.

Some days back she wanted the camera, just, because she wanted to click, because she wanted to explore, because suddenly she felt like she could click, she asked him for it. He did not refuse, but forgot. He forgets a lot of things that she says, because there are other important things to remember, Or because he has a habit of forgetting things. She ignored.

One fine day, happiness was around the corner, both were busy with their smart phones and then she looked at the screen of his phone. He was talking to his best friend who is one of the most important parts of his life. And she realized that he is selling it off for another one.

He felt bad that he hadn't told her, but he hadn't told her because he wanted to surprise her with the new one. That is so sweet, and that made her happy from the inside, but what distressed her was that she was attached to the old one, she wanted to see it, touch it, yes he owned it, but wasn't she equally a owner, or maybe not. She loved it, it was her first one, their first one, and she wished to see it. But he had a plan, a plan to surprise her, to see that smile on her face, is it right to ask him about this plan, was it right to ask him to get the old one back so that she could bid it a goodbye.

Whose mistake is it? Who has to compromise/understand/adjust? Who should let it go, and embrace the happiness for the other? 

Love is not a sacrifice!

Certain people in life leave a long-lasting impact on you. Some are warm and walk along with you without you knowing at all, and some just leave you as soon as you get into some trouble. Yet you fall in love with those who are the most difficult to get, who you feel are better, smarter than you.

The love is so deep, deaf, blind that all you can see, hear, feel is just that one person. He/she becomes your lifeline; you can look into their eyes forever, and can hear that person till the end of your life. So much so that it frightens you to be so addicted to a person. You, for a matter of fact, know that this is not how it should be, but the love is so dumb and deaf that it never understands. Only your heart works day and night, your brain stops functioning.

Then comes a point when your intense love becomes a habit, it becomes a ritual, you don’t imply to irritate someone, but your constant looking into the eyes, your constant talking, texting, calling frustrates that person, and then comes the understanding part. You slowly and gradually stop losing control on yourself and unknowingly the mood, behaviour  words of that person start controlling you. But still the brain does not respond, the heart keeps getting hurt.

One fine day you wake up to see that your lover has left forever, He/she is still there, because it is difficult for that person too, but there is no love. The love has left both of you for some good, but still the brain refuses to respond, all that works is the heart. You remember all that you guys have done for each other. You cry and cry and cry, people, friends, family, everyone starts talking shit about that person, but you refuse to accept. They ask you to move on, but you just can’t.

This is the time you need each other the most, but no, both of you think about yourself, about your heart. You cross-examine yourself, start finding faults in you. You blame yourself for everything. You feel paralysed  helpless, a part of you is walking away and you can’t do anything about it.

All the good memories linger around you, and all the bad keeps forcing you to leave. You are stuck in between nowhere. You know there is no future, but still you want to give it a chance, in spite of giving it a chance 1000 times before. Everything around reminds you of that one person. Then you start thinking that the person isn't happy with you, so why cling, leave him, and sacrifice your love.

No-one knows what is right and what is wrong. When in love people have their own definitions of love, and when love is lost, you ask yourself what is love, remember Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ~Alfred Lord Tennyson, never regret, cherish your love, because when there are 10 bad things, there are 10 good things happened. You might not be able to ever forget, but you will ultimately forgive. Moving on is a little over-rated, a person, truly in love never moves on, he/she just makes herself believe that there is hope, and lives to get back the love.

Teaching- reduced to a mere profession

Teaching:the noblest profession on this earth, very true. Most of my family is into teaching. From my Grandfather to my Mother, most of them have been teaching all their life. My Grandfather is 75 years old now, and he is still teaching. I have heard a lot of people saying, ‘so nice Mrs. Thakkar you get all the Bank holidays, summer vacations, and you don’t have to work 9-5’, well that is true,but people don’t realize teaching involves a lot of hard work, patience and is one of the most difficult tasks.

When I hear my grandfather talk about his younger days as a teacher, I hear so many interesting stories; some make me laugh, and some make me wonder. And when I hear my mother talk about her experience I notice that there is sharp decline in the respect,the gratitude children have for their teachers. My mother has been working as a teacher since she was 20, it has been 25 years today, and today she isn't happy with her profession.

We often blame the education system for everything. We talk about how boring our teacher was, but there is a lot to it. I have just started my career, and I'm paid what my half of what my mom is paid, in spite of having a 25 years experience. Yes, the professions differ, but do you realize that teaching in a school is the base of what a person becomes in the future.

Youth today don’t want to teach, why, because there is no future, where is the growth.  There is an acute scarcity of teachers today, and the entire load is on the teachers who already exist in the schools. There are certain rules for every school, limited subjects; limited periods are allotted to teachers. My mom is in her 40s, and she takes 2 subjects, Science and Maths. Recently she was trained to take Information Technology. My mom has no idea about computers, she does not even know how type a message, imagine she learning computers, about the softwares I haven’t heard in my life in just a month (twice a week) and teach her students. Of course students will find her stupid, she will be laughed upon.

Lack of teachers, declining quality of education, declining respect for teachers,the level of gratitude for teachers going down, and a lot of other problems,affects the future. Teachers' Day has been reduced to a mere ritual. It is high time that the policy makers of the country paid attention to this vital and neglected sphere.

These are only some things I know, I'm sure there are a lot of other issues which need to be addressed urgently!

Last Evening

The kind of a girl I am, I cannot be alone, not even for a moment, except when I am depressed, or when there is no other option, but to be alone. Last evening, after office I decided to go shopping, all by myself. The deciding part itself took like an hour, and then accepting the fact that I was going alone, took another hour. Even offered my colleague to accompany me, but then she refused, and, I finally ended up going out alone.

I have my own weird reasons of not going alone somewhere out, I have never really been alone, always been indecisive and  always had this odd feeling of roaming around all alone, plus my talkative nature just can’t stay quiet, especially when I am somewhere out, and get excited about anything.  Now let’s get back to last evening, when I dared to step out alone, entered a mall alone, and bought things all alone, with much confusion and saved a lot of time and also saved a lot of money.

And before I tell you how I am feeling, right now, while writing this piece of blog post, let me clear that I didn’t go shopping for clothes or accessories or any girly stuff. I went shopping for stationary. Yes, you heard it right stationary. 

So I was sitting at my office, with not much work, and I with no mood to either read or write or surf on the internet, so I sat in front of my desktop, staring into infinity and thinking about random things (one of favorite pastimes at work) and somehow it struck me that nothing is making me cheerful at that particular moment, and I don’t want to go back home and stare at the wall, so I an idea struck me that I should go shopping, shopping for something productive.

 Now how is stationary productive? I have always been really fascinated with painting, sketching, drawing or whatever form of art you call it. And some 2-3 months back, my grandfather had given me an advice that I should spend some part of my salary to buy something that will increase my credibility and add to my talent. So I decided to buy a book, and guess what I ended up buying Paints, and sketch book, and sketch pens, and pencils and paint brushes and so many more things. And then I came back home, and kept staring at it like a baby, you know every year in school, when your parents used to buy you those new books, and pens, and pencils, and bags, and you used to be so excited about everything, that was how excited and happy I was after buying those small, productive things.

And I wrote this whole thing, just because I had to express my happiness somewhere and write how easy it is to shop alone. Next time when I ask anyone to come to shop along with me please remind me this incident. I would really appreciate and treat that person with a pastry.