I'm guilty!

As I was beginning my morning meeting on a Wednesday , Arman walked in with his sister, crying. Unusual, because Arman had started to love school and would enjoy learning, unusual also because his mother hadn't come to drop him. As he entered class, I asked him why was he crying. He ignored my question and kept asking me, whether his mom or dad or someone from home will come to pick him up from school in the evening.

I assured him they would, but he wouldn't stop crying until I let him cry and continued with my morning meeting. Sometime later he got angrossed in the classroom activities and stopped crying.

In the recess, I took him on a walk around the school and asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I kept trying to know what was wrong because I was sure something was extremely wrong. After a while he opened up. What he said got tears to my eyes and stabbed me inside.

'Didi yesterday I made a mistake, my mom got angry and she hit me, and she said I don't want a son like you, tomorrow I will leave you to school and not come to take you back'

'Arman does she do this all the time?'

'No Didi, but whenever she does, I feel she will really not come to take me back, didi what if she does not come today? Am I a bad son?' Tears rolling down his eyes.

No Arman, relax, she will come back, she is just angry, she loves you, she will definitely come to take you'

So many kids, including all of us, may have had similiar experiences like these. Do we as a parent or a teacher or even as a human ever think about these small things that affects a kid so much? Do we realise that these small little things, build up to damage the confidence, the feeling of security, of a child? Do we realise that this little kid might grow up and become the most insecure person we know? This little kid will have a huge inferiority complex, that will hold him back from being the best he can be? I ask myself these questions, and I feel guilty for saying whatever I said to a friend who was being stupid, because she wasn't sure if she should buy a expensive phone or save money for her grad school and she choose buying the expensive phone. I feel guilty for telling my mother she did not do anything to solve her problems in life. I feel guilty for shouting at a kid when he could not speak in a loud and clear voice. I feel guilty when I unknowingly made fun of that boy in my school who was the most quite and secluded person I have ever met.

I'm guilty.

When I look around, I see so much happiness

‘When I look around, I see so much pain’, she thought to herself. Her purpose before taking the big decision of applying to Teach For India was to do something for the humanity.

And now: ‘When I look around, I see so much happiness’, she thought to herself. Her purpose is a little clearer now. She is here to do something for the humanity. That something is giving some comfort, some happiness, some love.

No, those kids with broken homes, with small desires, being beaten up every day, walking to school alone, they do not need sympathy, they do not need your money, your gifts, they need safe environment, they need fun, they need happiness, they need love. Give them just a hug and they will hug you every day. Share your tiffin with them, and see the pride in their eyes. Give them small little star stickers, and they will treasure it for life.

No, my work is not difficult. I love kids, I love humanity, I love simplicity. And no, I wasn't born with all this, I came to be this over time. When that one kid in your class, who would sit quite, wouldn't share, eat her tiffin alone, comes to you one fine day with a packet of star shaped candies and says “Didi this is for you, no-one gives you stars no”, you can’t help but love your work. When that one kid honestly raises his hands, when you ask the class, who does not like didi, you know they feel safe in your class.

In past 3 months, more than anyone, I have come to discover myself. I have come to being happy, patient, loving and kind. All the philosophical stuff suddenly makes sense to me now. How much we complain, how much we cry, how irritated we really are, give it a thought.

No, I am not doing any social work. I’m getting paid for it. I love teaching, this is an amazing experience and this is leadership program, which helps me become a leader. But now all this is secondary. I love my work, I love my kids, and I’m here to make a difference. Difference in the life of others and myself.