The words didn't betray her. That dream did.

It came as a feeling of joy. She couldn't believe it as happening right inside her mind. She could feel each word she was reading, and connecting so easily with the simple things the book talked about. It was as she was in conversation with the book. It was like the book asked her if she wanted it, and gave her exactly what she asked for. The plot shaped up just like she was imagining it to be. As she read one word and guessed the other in less than a second, she was right about each word that followed. It felt like both the book and she had some telepathic power. She seldom read books, given the fact how lazy reader she was. But every time she did, she knew where was the book heading, she exactly knew what will happen next. Maybe she picked me predictable books, but it gave her happiness. It gave her the feeling of a competition that she won almost all the time.

She would say, “I’m in love with you”, and before she completed her sentence, the book would say, “oh! How much do you love me? Every book she picked up, could talk to her, would become her best friend, or even a lover and could read her thoughts. She felt like she was the one writing the book. It never betrayed her.

Not until, one day she picked up a book, just out of desperation, she was missing someone to share her thoughts with for a long time. She hadn't got enough time to read, or rather complete a book. She had left several books half read, because there was no joy in predicting them, she thought. That day she picked up this book, and promised to herself that she will finish it, no matter what. She started to read from it, and soon the book gave her the joy she was longing for. As she reached the climax, she realized she was tired, and decided to sleep. As soon as she entered her dreams, she couldn't help dreaming about the book. Dreams in a way are so uncontrolled. It’s like you are in a state of trance, and you are tripping and falling, but not being able to control yourself. She dreamt about this book, taking an unexpected turn. She tried controlling it, but she just couldn't, so helpless she felt about everything. Next morning, she woke up quite early, out of desperation of completing the book. She started exactly from where she had left, it betrayed her. It did not went like she expected it to go. It went like it was in her dreams. She felt betrayed. She gave up. She gave up after two chapters.

Today, her friend gifted her the same book. Her friend was quite excited, and wanted her to finish it quickly so that they could discuss it. All these years she hadn't read any book, as she felt betrayed. Today as she opened this book again, as promised to her friend, she couldn't believe she was reading the same book. The joy she felt was similar, but it kept going as she was predicting it in her thoughts. It ended just like she expected it to. She was surprised. She had found that friend again. She had found her love again. It was the same old lover she had missed all this years, and she realized how wrong she was about it.

The words didn't betray her. That dream did.

She has conquered herself. Finally.

As she sat and gaze outside the window, in the midnight, she saw the city lit up with lights, she was hearing the beats of the music playing in the background, her mind was dancing on those beats, and she realized something has affected her so strongly, after a really long time. Something, she didn't know what, but it had completely changed her perspective about everything. Something had slowly stepped on all the negativity and crushed it in a way that she saw no trace of it to come to life again. Something, that she did not know if exists, had arrived, late, but so early that it felt this is the right time to live and dream, hope and walk on the perfectly right path.

She saw the world in front of her, lit up with lights, she could see life in each of those windows, and she wanted to go out there, after she was done enjoying in here, to explore in those lights. As the music changes its pace, as it changes its notes, as it changes its beats, the world she saw went upside down, and she felt the power inside her, to control her world. There was energy, she didn't know. It was creepy, but as soon as it touched her skin, she felt empowered.

The practical her had vanished, and here she stood, unable to believe herself, unable to come to terms with the happiness that exists inside her. She smiled and looked around, and every person she looked at made her feel happier, she saw the world lit up in front of her. She did not bother to understand what had affected her, because whatever it was, it was powerful, and she was confident that it will only bring positivity. She was standing at a point, where she could feel the stability that had arrived. She had left her past far behind, and she was walking ahead, with no trace of regret, just smiling to herself, relating her life to all the things around, making it into a surreal movie.

Her mind was her slave now, she had the remote-control of her emotions in her hand, and she exactly knew where her life was heading. She had conquered herself!

The memories came whirling around like a cyclone

All the memories whirling around like a cyclone. She yells on the top of her voice, but she is not able to hear her own voice. She puts her hands on her ears, and wants the screeching to stop, but it just does not. She goes blank the other moment, with everything around coming to a standstill. She murmurs something to herself, but her voice refuses to be heard. She bangs her head to the wall, and suddenly the memories come flooding in: He holding her hand, and whispering into her ears, “I will never leave you”. Tears roll down her eyes, but the smile does not leave her lips. She is happy because he had promised to stay true to her; he did not leave her side, even when everything had lost its meaning.

Everything was repeating, when she least wanted it to repeat. He was back, standing right front of her in disguise. She started getting carried away in the sea of love, she had no clue it would hit her so hard one day. There was so much similarity to everything, so much so that she hated it, but she had offered the remote control of her emotions to someone already. She was being controlled and she had no clue what was happening to her. Emotions were rushing down her veins, and she could feel them shiver. She wanted to break free and hug herself, for she was the only one she trusted the most, yet she could feel love and hate contradicting each other every moment.

Something came crashing down outside the window, and she woke from her dream. She put her hands on her heart, and felt her heart beating really fast, was it just a dream? Empty house, fan making some noise, she stepped down on the floor, it was cold, her body refused to move. She wanted some warmth, a warm hug could do wonders, but she was scared, one warm hug could owe her entire life. And then the knock on the door, memories wouldn’t let her alone.

Facts, not beliefs should be the basis of any investigation

Since last several days I have been keeping the track of all the videos, articles, reports, trolls about Tarun Tejpal molesting a female colleague. I have also been keeping track about the most sensationalized Aarushi Talwar murder case, and in both of the cases, the ideas exchanged, the discussions of the possible situations, outcomes, the statements made, and the real or the made-up stories surrounding them has amazed me.

Look at, how judgemental we human beings are. We do not care about any proofs and evidences; all we concentrate on is our beliefs. There is an immense difference between facts and beliefs, and we fail to understand that difference again and again.

In his statement, I read on Firstpost, Tarun Tejpal alleged that the incident was 'only light-hearted bantering which led to a moment of privacy’ and the victim, post the incident, was out late into the night attending parties and social gatherings.' No matter what the real story is, who is right and who is wrong, the statement is so contradictory. The man, accepts the fact that it was a ‘light-hearted bantering’, which as the tone suggests is very normal for the educated and open people should be and yet what follows is ‘she was late out into the night attending parties and social gatherings’, so what? Someone is disturbed, is out in a professional event, does not have the time to sit and think what someone she respects has done to her, what is the harm in going and partying?

Why we are so entangles in our beliefs, in the rules we have made for ourselves. Why is being disturbed and sad attached to sitting alone, or getting angry or creating a scene? Why can’t someone who is molested, have no expression of insult, scare or anger on her face?

Every girl gets molested at least once in her life, in the hands of someone she knows, how many cases like that have been reported? I was 14 when I was molested by a family member, he caressed by breasts, which had just started to grow. I got up from there and kept and sat besides my mom, and wouldn't leave her hand till we are out of that place. I was still smiling, playing and talking normally to my mom and everyone around; include that person who tried molesting me. I expressed my discomfort only after years, when my family planned to go to their place again, and the plan was cancelled after hearing what the man of the family had done to me.

Before you make statements, or thrust the rules you have made in your own mind on others, come to terms with the reality, with the fact that a women is not always weak, that a women can show no emotions and yet fight for her rights. Every person is different and has his/her own way of dealing with things, and in the eyes of law, facts and only facts are valid, not any belief of self-made conclusions.

Don't walk away

It was just another day; they had not spoken properly for a week now. And in that one week, her life had gone upside down. She had taken such decisions of her life, for which he was responsible equally, but was not there for her.

Some two months back something had gone terribly wrong with her, and he was right there, besides her, helping her out of it. But all that was flushed down the drain now. What is the point now? He isn't there for her throughout, he left her midway. She had to face it alone, and he made it worse, because now she had to start from the beginning, learn to stand for herself, and stop hoping he would come for her.

Last one year was frustrating for both, yet she stood for him every time, and he wouldn't walk away forever. They both tried hard to make it work, but unfortunately he lost his patience and walked away, promising he would never return back, and warning her to stay away from him. And coincidently it happened when she needed him the most, she went through the trauma all alone, without putting him in trouble, or creating a fuss out of it.

He returned back, a week later, the same day she emerged victorious in moving out of him, and creating a whole new identity for herself in her own mind. He returned and it wasn't very long since he had left, so she fell for him, yet again.

It is just another day today; they haven’t spoken properly since three days now. He says he will, but he said that a day back too. He says he will call, but she has a meeting to attend. He says he will talk, but what about her work. Of course you don’t disturb someone when he/she is at work. And of course you don’t irritate someone, when he/she is having fun with friends. She understands, but what about her time.

It isn't that important that in a relationship you communicate daily. But when the need arises, you do need to communicate. And for a matter of fact, communication can never be one-sided. It has to be two-sided. Moody she understands, Space she understands, but ignorance for the one you have loved so dearly that you have kept giving her chances, she doesn't understand.

It’s time to move away, when the value decreases, priorities change, when standing on the road and talking to random someone becomes more important the person waiting to hear from you.

The world is a small place, someone somewhere someday would take it all away from you, you might never regret it, sit there and say, ‘what has to be yours, will be yours’ but remember, earning something, and treasuring it needs efforts.

You make a plan, are super-excited about it, and somehow it is all ruined.

This was the third event they had missed together. She made the plan 2 days back. ‘Listen, we need to do 2 things this month, one attend xyz exhibition and two go and celebrate Oktober Fest somewhere’, she had told him 2-3 days back on whatsapp.

His reply was clear, ‘Jayengey’, he said. The exhibition was ending soon, last two days, and she thought to her, weekend, weekend is the best time to go there. She will be free, mentally also. But somehow before she could say anything, he had some urgent work to be completed. They missed it yet again.

She wanted to attend it, because the exhibition was about something they both would love to attend. Very rarely their likes matched. And this was something both of them were passionate about. This had happened the third time.

She was upset, wanted to meet him, but he was busy with his work. She planned to meet her girl friends instead, but considering the work hours they could meet only late in the evening. Informing him was important, but as always, that made him upset. ‘jaaaa’ he replied to her.

Next day she had plans to meet her girly gang. It becomes really difficult to keep in touch once you start working. And then there comes a time when you really want to meet those college friends and talk about everything you can. She was happy and determined to meet them, click pictures, bitch, and feel content.  He was upset once again. He rarely said it directly, he normally changed his tone, or just suddenly would get caught up in some work and tell her that he will talk later.

She had plans next day too. She mentioned that too. He was already upset or maybe it was just in her head. He rarely said it directly. ‘Leave me alone when I’m upset, I will be fine later’, he always said. But that moment would all ruin it, she would keep thinking about him, even around her friends. ‘That is the problem, you think a lot, did I ask to think’, he would say then. But she cared, cared about his happiness, his approval mattered to her.  ‘So why do you plan something you know will make me upset’, he said. What about her happiness? Who will think about that?

What have you done, it has left her so numb

What have you done, she is so numb,

she loved you so; you never really know

She wanted to roam around, talk her shit out,

But you never came back, the faith you lacked

What have you done, it has left her so numb

She sits and thinks sometimes, about all the good times,

but all the bad is done, and it has left her so numb

Yes you have your own life, and she was a part,

she made you her life, and it made her so numb

Every little bad thing you said, made her depressed

Every good thing you said, got a smile on her face

Every kiss that you made, gave her so much faith

Every mistake that she made, put you away from the faith

She knows there is no future to this, but somehow there is so much hope to it.

Like a fool she sits and dream the good things

Her life is like a boat stuck somewhere

She knows the direction, but can’t make it there

Numb she is with no one there

she will figure it out, but don't know when....

She has lost it all, that could make her rest

She has found, nothing, that will make her the best

One seed that she nurtured with the care,

couldn't grow and none ever cared....

Life’s like that everyone said

But when asked why, no one cared

You will be fine, they said

But when asked how, they left her there

Birthday Post - I'm feeling Lucky

Some 21 years back, a really beautiful lady was 9 months pregnant, and was out with the love of her life, to watch the colourful and musical festival of Navratri on the streets of Ghatkopar, when she started craving for an ice cream. So the obedient husband, his best friend and the lady went to a nearby restaurant to have some ice cream, apparently the ice cream was called 'gadbad ghotala', and suddenly she realised that the baby inside her tummy wanted to desperately come out and dance to the tunes of the garba music! That was 27th September 1992, and the baby was successful in coming in this world on the 28th of September 1992.

 Till date, Navratri has been her favourite festival, and garba her favourite dance form. Unlike most of the families in India, this particular family was looking forward to a girl child, and their happiness knew no bounds today, 21 years back. It is 21 years since that day, and till today they have been proud to have, not one, but 3 beautiful girls in their family.

 Today on my 21st b'day, I feel lucky to be able to pick up my phone, understand, and be able to write about my feelings. I feel lucky to know my Birth Date. I feel lucky that all my 21 birthdays I had a cake to cut, I had an opportunity to celebrate it. In spite of being a girl child, In spite of being a women, In spite of coming from a not-so-modern family. I Feel lucky to have a FAMILY.

Love is not a sacrifice!

Certain people in life leave a long-lasting impact on you. Some are warm and walk along with you without you knowing at all, and some just leave you as soon as you get into some trouble. Yet you fall in love with those who are the most difficult to get, who you feel are better, smarter than you.

The love is so deep, deaf, blind that all you can see, hear, feel is just that one person. He/she becomes your lifeline; you can look into their eyes forever, and can hear that person till the end of your life. So much so that it frightens you to be so addicted to a person. You, for a matter of fact, know that this is not how it should be, but the love is so dumb and deaf that it never understands. Only your heart works day and night, your brain stops functioning.

Then comes a point when your intense love becomes a habit, it becomes a ritual, you don’t imply to irritate someone, but your constant looking into the eyes, your constant talking, texting, calling frustrates that person, and then comes the understanding part. You slowly and gradually stop losing control on yourself and unknowingly the mood, behaviour  words of that person start controlling you. But still the brain does not respond, the heart keeps getting hurt.

One fine day you wake up to see that your lover has left forever, He/she is still there, because it is difficult for that person too, but there is no love. The love has left both of you for some good, but still the brain refuses to respond, all that works is the heart. You remember all that you guys have done for each other. You cry and cry and cry, people, friends, family, everyone starts talking shit about that person, but you refuse to accept. They ask you to move on, but you just can’t.

This is the time you need each other the most, but no, both of you think about yourself, about your heart. You cross-examine yourself, start finding faults in you. You blame yourself for everything. You feel paralysed  helpless, a part of you is walking away and you can’t do anything about it.

All the good memories linger around you, and all the bad keeps forcing you to leave. You are stuck in between nowhere. You know there is no future, but still you want to give it a chance, in spite of giving it a chance 1000 times before. Everything around reminds you of that one person. Then you start thinking that the person isn't happy with you, so why cling, leave him, and sacrifice your love.

No-one knows what is right and what is wrong. When in love people have their own definitions of love, and when love is lost, you ask yourself what is love, remember Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ~Alfred Lord Tennyson, never regret, cherish your love, because when there are 10 bad things, there are 10 good things happened. You might not be able to ever forget, but you will ultimately forgive. Moving on is a little over-rated, a person, truly in love never moves on, he/she just makes herself believe that there is hope, and lives to get back the love.

Talk about Rape!

Have been reading a lot about ‘Rapes’ a lot these days. Every Tom, Dick and Harry has something to say about it. Nobody realizes that talking, tweeting, assuming, writing, debating is very easy, but actually going through the agony, the pain, the disgust, the whole fucking situation (during and after rape) is pathetic, be it a attempt to rape or even rape. Most of us, girls, have gone through an attempt to rape kind of a situation once, or several times in our lives. Stares, touching at all the wrong places, groping, passing lewd comments, is so common that we have started considering it us a part of our lives. When I sit and write this piece, I go back to all the situations I have gone through in the 21 years of my life, since the day I was born. I want to collapse and die right here, not because I'm ashamed or disgusted but because I ignored all of those really disgusting attempts of various men around me, just like that, instead of raising my voice or stabbing them to death.

 People are talking about the rapes going unreported, well, try going to the police, or even your own parents or friends, and narrate what, how, where, when the rape happened to you, you will realize how much courage and determination you need for that. It is easier to sit and shout, get to action, and then go debate in the media. Every person, or rather every girl has two personalities. We are moulded into two different people. One is full of emotions, be it anger, shame, or love, and the other is the practical one. The first is our natural self, which would want to revenge, teach someone a lesson, love a person no matter what, be kind, or extremely rude, and the second one is completely made-up, the one that the society will approve off. Usually the second one is stronger, and forces the girl to shut up in the fear of the society, which includes her family and closest of friends.

Punishment? Stricter Laws? Government Action? Really? All of these are going to help? No, they won’t help, because the Rapists don’t really care. It’s the urge that they care about (no matter how disgusting it sounds) and you can’t reason that out. What they care about is the fun, they wouldn't think about the consequences before committing the crime, they don’t have enough time, the urge, and the girl both will get away if they consider any kind of thinking before committing the crime. You say that all these heinous rape cases being reported by the media will stop people from committing this crime? All this tweeting, debating on national televisions, forming an opinion, defining rape is going to help? No, it is making it worse. I have seen guys talking about rape, discussing about it and laughing, because it is no more a crime, but a fad, a trend, if you are a part of a rape you are cool, you are on TV, people are talking about you, after all any publicity is good, isn't it? Isn't that what we people say, isn't that what media believes?

 Stop it for God’s sake, Since the Mumbai Rape Case happened all that I have been seeing in some of the leading newspapers is RAPES, Rapes all over India suddenly being reported, editorials full of what is wrong and what is right, articles about how a girl should ensure her safety, all kinds of does and don’ts. All of this isn't doing any good, women will still shy away and not report rapes, Men will still commit the crime, there is no end to it, unless we decide to change the way we think, unless we change our belief system, and that is a pretty long process, till then at least stop this sudden love towards preventing rape, only when the crime is committed and reported, and then forget about it, till some other group of men commit the crime again, for the much needed attention, for fun, and for the instant fame.

She & Her & Some Hope

She is a girl, fearless girl, who has been brought up with immense love and care. Her family has given her freedom, made her into an independent women, given her everything she needed, and moulded her into a responsible women.  In spite of being brought up in a small town, she hasn't been any different from her other counterparts. She stepped into Mumbai, to live on her own, when she was just 15.

Today she is a 21 year old woman, and when she hears about these rapes around the country, one feeling that haunts her is Anger. She is not scared; being scared is not going to help. Telling her story will only make people point fingers at her. Raising her voice will get her all the more stares and challenging the rules set up for a woman of this country will only increase her chances of getting raped.

Every morning when she walks down the road, there is a feeling that someone is constantly following her, that someone has his eye constantly at her.  But she ignores them all, walks down the road anyway, head held high, staying alert. Sometimes she sits alone and cries, cries for her freedom, cries for some safety, cries because her male counterparts are safe, cries because she is a girl, but then she goes off to sleep, because reasoning has never helped in this country. 

A gang rape, which came under the limelight, makes the people hurl abuses at the government, the police, and the country. What about those which go unnoticed each day? And forget about the rape, the same people raising their voices on the social networking sites, will discuss about how the girl will spend her life. Traumatized for sure, but she isn't dead, she can lead a normal life, if you let her lead one. She doesn't mind saying this, that rape is over-rated, yes it is OVER-RATED, because we don’t stop giving sympathy, no, the victim does not need sympathy, she needs hope.

She will live in Mumbai, will not leave India, she will have the same respect for men in her country, but she will have no trust. She will go out, meet her friends, might as well come late at night, and will always know that every moment there is chance of getting molested, of getting raped. The memories won’t stop haunting her; in fact she will go through the same feeling, every time women will be raped in India. She will lead a normal life, but will know that there won’t be a moment when she will be safe. She will continue to live on her own, head strong, with little hope, that one day she will be safe, and till she gets to see that one day, she has to live, live with the memories, live with the hope.

She & Her - Part 2

She entered the police station, scared; she didn't know the identity of any of those guys, nor the details of the vehicle used for the crime. She just knew that what had happened to her could have happened to anyone. The police were welcoming, made her sit, offered her some water and gave her enough time to start the story from the time she woke up that day to the time she stepped inside the police station

The story was told, heard, believed but still not considered true. As ironic as it sounds. She wouldn't blame anyone for not believing her story because even she did not believe herself. She had no clue what had gone wrong on her part and why was she targeted by those young boys probably from a respected family. She had no clue why those guys did not harm her as long as she was in the car with them, they were not sure? Or they were scared of the crime they were planning to commit? Or they couldn't understand why she did not scream enough and pleaded to leave her? Whatever is the reason, fortunately or unfortunately she was safe.

Attempt to rape and Rape are two very different things. You can’t prove attempt to rape, how do you know that those guys were actually kidnapping her to rape. Who is going to believe her when she herself is dumbfounded about the whole situation? That’s how the society, our law works. A girl being eve-teased, touched or even forcefully made to give away her self-respect, is not considered as heinous as Rape.

She gave her statements to several people at the police station, and every time she narrated her story she could feel the pinch, she would control her tears and kept telling herself to be strong. She had fought with 4 guys at once and saved herself, but even she wasn't sure if those guys were going to rape her or they were just having fun in their normal, boring lives. Every time she gave her statements she couldn't mention the word rape, that made her feel disgusted and she couldn't believe that would have happened to her.

Is it society or is it her moral? Well, Morals are imbibed in us because of the society around us. But was it really rape? Or just another attempt to rape? What was it, that she still feels the pinch when someone mentions it to her, people say she was fortunate to be saved, people call her brave, but do you notice the regret, the disgrace, the disgust behind her constant smile?

Some things cannot be explained, The feeling itself is so strong that it does not leave you no matter how much you try to run away from it, or maybe it is just the way you think and the society. 

She & Her

She stood there scared & surprised, the memories of what happened two months back came back flooding in her mind and she couldn't move,talk, or even ask for any help, because she wasn't sure.

2 months back as she walked sadly on the lane next to her home, hoping to smile as she gets home looking at her room-mates, hearing their stories about how was the whole day, hoping her dabbawala might have given her favourite food, lost in her thoughts hoping to find one simple reason that could make her smile, she came across a car and 4 hungry jerks coming her way and pulling her inside the car.

It took her several moments to realize that she was kidnapped and something really bad was about to happen with her, unable to digest the fact that she could be picked up randomly to be raped as she knew none of the guys in the car. All she could feel was the hands of those jerks touching her and making her feel guilty that she was a girl. All she could do is screaming for help which was probably unheard as the car windows were shut and pleading wasn't going to help in front of these insane people. Well, all of this gives her Goosebumps till date, fortunately or unfortunately these guys couldn't do anything to her and she saved herself somehow. How she saved herself and what happened to that guys in another story altogether.

The real scare started later. She reached home safely with her clothes torn, unable to breathe. She sat, closed her eyes and analysed the whole situation. Was it a illusion? A dream? Or what just happened was real? What was to be done next, should she share this with her room-mates, her friends? Or they will become judgemental about her and her life might get difficult? All these questions kept flooding in her head but finally she decided to inform her friends as she feared of being followed again.

Her friends decided to inform the Police which she was very scared of. She had no idea who those people were, fortunately or unfortunately she wasn't harmed except some scratches and her clothes torn. She had no idea which was that car or the car number nor did she clearly remember those jerks faces. But yes informing the police was important for her safety and for the safety of every other girl who existed in this world. 16 hours she spent in the police station giving her statements to every single police who came across her. Some asked her questions because it was their duty and some asked just out of curiosity. 16 hours of constant questions with some time for sleep and food, where friends and family asked the same questions and the whole story had to be told in details again and again.

It’s been 2 months since then, she stopped going to the police station, and the police might have just closed the case by now. She doesn't know what happened later, because that 1 or 2 week were enough to make her exhausted and desperate to forget everything like a bad dream and move on in life.

 she was followed again, now she is scared. She does not want to bother her family and friends and does not want to go the police. She isn't sure of the guy’s identity or sure if she is followed. She dreads going back to the same procedure all over again. Her social, personal, professional life has a direct effect of this case.  All she knows is she does not want to make a fool out of herself, and her mind isn't on the right track. She just wants to stay alert and face it herself no matter what comes across her.

She is a proud female, believes in herself but refuses to believe the society. Is she wrong anywhere?