Love - in every small way is meaningful

Love – I have always tried to understand this really complex and simple feeling that exists in the world. No-one could define it, the definition changes with each kind of a individual involved in the feeling, and then society comes with the most common of the definition, and start believing it, following it, falling in the feeling that has been defined by thousands of people who have lost love, cried and fought and never really sustain love.

I think Love is the most complex feeling a human being possesses. Love is essential but at the same time you want to run away, because you say, you don’t understand it, or maybe because you, like many others believe that when you love someone beyond limits, you tend to lose that person. Well, we forget the fact that, we love ourselves more than others, and 2 people who love themselves, try to control the other and lose it. Well, thats how it is, unless you possess immense respect for the other and agree to let them own you, or maybe give in to their love, which hardly happens, because your ego and the care do a weird summersault in your head.

We, Humans have defined love according to our own convenience. Today, ask anyone, everyone has a different understanding of the feeling love, but if you observe, everyone follows the same love, which is defined by the society. Very rarely you find people, who would want to break the barriers and love in a way that will be flawless and never-ending. I always tend to ask myself, why can’t you love two people at once? You won’t necessarily have sex with both, or plan to get married to the both, but still you would love both the people equally, and want to spend equal amount of time with both. But no, society limits love. You can love just one, and stay true to him/her, you cannot cheat on that person, but no, I'm not talking about cheating, it is just love for both, and it isn't shared, because love does not have limits, you can love everyone around you, with the same sincerity, with the same passion.

Well, but we tend to mix the beautiful feeling of love with mundane feeling of possessiveness, jealousy and blind faith and then lose it forever, because once you fall prey to these feelings, they don’t leave you, they stick to you forever.

Love cannot be defined, because it is not something you don't need to understand, it is something you want to feel. Everything in the world does not have meaning. That, what you feel, with absolutely calm mind, with no judgements, is what is meaningful. And love in every small way is meaningful.

He/She does not care enough? Keep Calm & Love Yourself

You will let someone, who does not care enough to decide foryour life. What do you usually do when you wake up in the morning? Look for your phone? Hope that, the person you consider special must have messaged, to say sorry for something that happened last night, or a week back, or to tell you how much you mean to him, or that he dreamt about you? Till how long will you let someone else define your happiness?

You are in your 20s; you have at least 30, or say 35 more years to go. You know right, how long that is? Will you want to spend all your life behind that one person who does not care enough?

Don’t you miss being a child? As a child you got up in the morning, looking outside the window, staring at the sun, packing for an adventurous day at school, learning, playing, and talking all day. Coming back tired, looking forward to yummy food & may be your favourite cartoon. Don’t you miss that instant happy sleep, and waking up directly the next morning?

Who says you can’t cope up with this thing called, ‘quarter-life crisis’?  Wake up, stare at the sun, let your phone be there, beeping all the time. The messages can wait, but not your life.

Walk up to someone who has been there always, who cares, and is within the reach, right in front of you, pass a smile. No such person in your life? I’m sure you own a mirror at least.

Make yourself breakfast. Delicious- compliment yourself, pack some and share with the people at work. Super-bad, curse yourself and promise to do better the next time. Get on your feet and go to the work with the same innocence you walked to school each day.

I’m sure you don’t want to end up graying your hair so soon. Look there, a lot of people, expect a lot from you, work harder, and earn yourself some experience that counts. Don’t like your job? Quit. Risk is a part of life. Find a new one, or simply work on yourself, learning never stops. Start loving yourself.

Life is very short, and yes, you don’t want to waste it onsomeone who doesn’t care enough. Create your own identity.

Don't walk away

It was just another day; they had not spoken properly for a week now. And in that one week, her life had gone upside down. She had taken such decisions of her life, for which he was responsible equally, but was not there for her.

Some two months back something had gone terribly wrong with her, and he was right there, besides her, helping her out of it. But all that was flushed down the drain now. What is the point now? He isn't there for her throughout, he left her midway. She had to face it alone, and he made it worse, because now she had to start from the beginning, learn to stand for herself, and stop hoping he would come for her.

Last one year was frustrating for both, yet she stood for him every time, and he wouldn't walk away forever. They both tried hard to make it work, but unfortunately he lost his patience and walked away, promising he would never return back, and warning her to stay away from him. And coincidently it happened when she needed him the most, she went through the trauma all alone, without putting him in trouble, or creating a fuss out of it.

He returned back, a week later, the same day she emerged victorious in moving out of him, and creating a whole new identity for herself in her own mind. He returned and it wasn't very long since he had left, so she fell for him, yet again.

It is just another day today; they haven’t spoken properly since three days now. He says he will, but he said that a day back too. He says he will call, but she has a meeting to attend. He says he will talk, but what about her work. Of course you don’t disturb someone when he/she is at work. And of course you don’t irritate someone, when he/she is having fun with friends. She understands, but what about her time.

It isn't that important that in a relationship you communicate daily. But when the need arises, you do need to communicate. And for a matter of fact, communication can never be one-sided. It has to be two-sided. Moody she understands, Space she understands, but ignorance for the one you have loved so dearly that you have kept giving her chances, she doesn't understand.

It’s time to move away, when the value decreases, priorities change, when standing on the road and talking to random someone becomes more important the person waiting to hear from you.

The world is a small place, someone somewhere someday would take it all away from you, you might never regret it, sit there and say, ‘what has to be yours, will be yours’ but remember, earning something, and treasuring it needs efforts.

Happiness is You

Love never dies. Hope is constant. Wish is unavoidable. Life isn't perfect. All that can be altered is you.

Most of our life seems messed up when we expect it to be altered, to be better, to be near to perfection, to be like the way we would like it. But happiness could never be defined, and if someone did define happiness, it is nothing but you.

All of this seems so irrational, when you apply it in your life. You still expect, you still want the other to make you smile; you still desperately want to be happy. Happiness is all everyone wants. But what gives one the desired happiness differs.

Sometimes you give-up relying on others for that smile, but you still expect people not to ruin that smile, or not to be the reason for your sorrow. So again you are relying on others for your own happiness.

Sometimes you just cling on to people, because sometime in life they were the reason for your happiness, they still are, or maybe not, but we tend to expect them to keep us happy. So again your happiness is in hands of someone else, who has defined happiness for himself in a different way then you.

Happiness is love for yourself, love for your own strengths, your weaknesses. It is the confidence, the patience, the kindness you possess, for yourself.

Loving yourself gives you the unconditional happiness and the strength to love the other.

Still I would say Happiness is over-rated. Isn't being sad also satisfying sometimes. How many times did you cry and cry and then slept like a baby? We will come to that some time later.  

You make a plan, are super-excited about it, and somehow it is all ruined.

This was the third event they had missed together. She made the plan 2 days back. ‘Listen, we need to do 2 things this month, one attend xyz exhibition and two go and celebrate Oktober Fest somewhere’, she had told him 2-3 days back on whatsapp.

His reply was clear, ‘Jayengey’, he said. The exhibition was ending soon, last two days, and she thought to her, weekend, weekend is the best time to go there. She will be free, mentally also. But somehow before she could say anything, he had some urgent work to be completed. They missed it yet again.

She wanted to attend it, because the exhibition was about something they both would love to attend. Very rarely their likes matched. And this was something both of them were passionate about. This had happened the third time.

She was upset, wanted to meet him, but he was busy with his work. She planned to meet her girl friends instead, but considering the work hours they could meet only late in the evening. Informing him was important, but as always, that made him upset. ‘jaaaa’ he replied to her.

Next day she had plans to meet her girly gang. It becomes really difficult to keep in touch once you start working. And then there comes a time when you really want to meet those college friends and talk about everything you can. She was happy and determined to meet them, click pictures, bitch, and feel content.  He was upset once again. He rarely said it directly, he normally changed his tone, or just suddenly would get caught up in some work and tell her that he will talk later.

She had plans next day too. She mentioned that too. He was already upset or maybe it was just in her head. He rarely said it directly. ‘Leave me alone when I’m upset, I will be fine later’, he always said. But that moment would all ruin it, she would keep thinking about him, even around her friends. ‘That is the problem, you think a lot, did I ask to think’, he would say then. But she cared, cared about his happiness, his approval mattered to her.  ‘So why do you plan something you know will make me upset’, he said. What about her happiness? Who will think about that?

What have you done, it has left her so numb

What have you done, she is so numb,

she loved you so; you never really know

She wanted to roam around, talk her shit out,

But you never came back, the faith you lacked

What have you done, it has left her so numb

She sits and thinks sometimes, about all the good times,

but all the bad is done, and it has left her so numb

Yes you have your own life, and she was a part,

she made you her life, and it made her so numb

Every little bad thing you said, made her depressed

Every good thing you said, got a smile on her face

Every kiss that you made, gave her so much faith

Every mistake that she made, put you away from the faith

She knows there is no future to this, but somehow there is so much hope to it.

Like a fool she sits and dream the good things

Her life is like a boat stuck somewhere

She knows the direction, but can’t make it there

Numb she is with no one there

she will figure it out, but don't know when....

She has lost it all, that could make her rest

She has found, nothing, that will make her the best

One seed that she nurtured with the care,

couldn't grow and none ever cared....

Life’s like that everyone said

But when asked why, no one cared

You will be fine, they said

But when asked how, they left her there

Two Different people, Two different perspectives!

He decided to buy it, and she was happy, because she always wanted it, but could never buy it. They researched around it day in and day out. After a lot of research he canned the plan of buying it at all. That made her sad, but never mind, she would convince him someday, she convinced herself.

One afternoon, suddenly he wanted to buy it again. She smiled to herself, she was successful. But she never knew there was a lot to come. The research started again, and this time she had to convince him to buy what she wanted to always buy, and yes yet again, she won.

It was bought, she was happy, he was happy too, finally something they both loved, wanted was theirs. He loved to click and she loved getting clicked. He clicked her with his newly bought camera. She was the first one to get clicked with his brand new camera and the happiness knew no bounds.

Some days back she wanted the camera, just, because she wanted to click, because she wanted to explore, because suddenly she felt like she could click, she asked him for it. He did not refuse, but forgot. He forgets a lot of things that she says, because there are other important things to remember, Or because he has a habit of forgetting things. She ignored.

One fine day, happiness was around the corner, both were busy with their smart phones and then she looked at the screen of his phone. He was talking to his best friend who is one of the most important parts of his life. And she realized that he is selling it off for another one.

He felt bad that he hadn't told her, but he hadn't told her because he wanted to surprise her with the new one. That is so sweet, and that made her happy from the inside, but what distressed her was that she was attached to the old one, she wanted to see it, touch it, yes he owned it, but wasn't she equally a owner, or maybe not. She loved it, it was her first one, their first one, and she wished to see it. But he had a plan, a plan to surprise her, to see that smile on her face, is it right to ask him about this plan, was it right to ask him to get the old one back so that she could bid it a goodbye.

Whose mistake is it? Who has to compromise/understand/adjust? Who should let it go, and embrace the happiness for the other? 

Love is not a sacrifice!

Certain people in life leave a long-lasting impact on you. Some are warm and walk along with you without you knowing at all, and some just leave you as soon as you get into some trouble. Yet you fall in love with those who are the most difficult to get, who you feel are better, smarter than you.

The love is so deep, deaf, blind that all you can see, hear, feel is just that one person. He/she becomes your lifeline; you can look into their eyes forever, and can hear that person till the end of your life. So much so that it frightens you to be so addicted to a person. You, for a matter of fact, know that this is not how it should be, but the love is so dumb and deaf that it never understands. Only your heart works day and night, your brain stops functioning.

Then comes a point when your intense love becomes a habit, it becomes a ritual, you don’t imply to irritate someone, but your constant looking into the eyes, your constant talking, texting, calling frustrates that person, and then comes the understanding part. You slowly and gradually stop losing control on yourself and unknowingly the mood, behaviour  words of that person start controlling you. But still the brain does not respond, the heart keeps getting hurt.

One fine day you wake up to see that your lover has left forever, He/she is still there, because it is difficult for that person too, but there is no love. The love has left both of you for some good, but still the brain refuses to respond, all that works is the heart. You remember all that you guys have done for each other. You cry and cry and cry, people, friends, family, everyone starts talking shit about that person, but you refuse to accept. They ask you to move on, but you just can’t.

This is the time you need each other the most, but no, both of you think about yourself, about your heart. You cross-examine yourself, start finding faults in you. You blame yourself for everything. You feel paralysed  helpless, a part of you is walking away and you can’t do anything about it.

All the good memories linger around you, and all the bad keeps forcing you to leave. You are stuck in between nowhere. You know there is no future, but still you want to give it a chance, in spite of giving it a chance 1000 times before. Everything around reminds you of that one person. Then you start thinking that the person isn't happy with you, so why cling, leave him, and sacrifice your love.

No-one knows what is right and what is wrong. When in love people have their own definitions of love, and when love is lost, you ask yourself what is love, remember Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ~Alfred Lord Tennyson, never regret, cherish your love, because when there are 10 bad things, there are 10 good things happened. You might not be able to ever forget, but you will ultimately forgive. Moving on is a little over-rated, a person, truly in love never moves on, he/she just makes herself believe that there is hope, and lives to get back the love.

She & Her

She stood there scared & surprised, the memories of what happened two months back came back flooding in her mind and she couldn't move,talk, or even ask for any help, because she wasn't sure.

2 months back as she walked sadly on the lane next to her home, hoping to smile as she gets home looking at her room-mates, hearing their stories about how was the whole day, hoping her dabbawala might have given her favourite food, lost in her thoughts hoping to find one simple reason that could make her smile, she came across a car and 4 hungry jerks coming her way and pulling her inside the car.

It took her several moments to realize that she was kidnapped and something really bad was about to happen with her, unable to digest the fact that she could be picked up randomly to be raped as she knew none of the guys in the car. All she could feel was the hands of those jerks touching her and making her feel guilty that she was a girl. All she could do is screaming for help which was probably unheard as the car windows were shut and pleading wasn't going to help in front of these insane people. Well, all of this gives her Goosebumps till date, fortunately or unfortunately these guys couldn't do anything to her and she saved herself somehow. How she saved herself and what happened to that guys in another story altogether.

The real scare started later. She reached home safely with her clothes torn, unable to breathe. She sat, closed her eyes and analysed the whole situation. Was it a illusion? A dream? Or what just happened was real? What was to be done next, should she share this with her room-mates, her friends? Or they will become judgemental about her and her life might get difficult? All these questions kept flooding in her head but finally she decided to inform her friends as she feared of being followed again.

Her friends decided to inform the Police which she was very scared of. She had no idea who those people were, fortunately or unfortunately she wasn't harmed except some scratches and her clothes torn. She had no idea which was that car or the car number nor did she clearly remember those jerks faces. But yes informing the police was important for her safety and for the safety of every other girl who existed in this world. 16 hours she spent in the police station giving her statements to every single police who came across her. Some asked her questions because it was their duty and some asked just out of curiosity. 16 hours of constant questions with some time for sleep and food, where friends and family asked the same questions and the whole story had to be told in details again and again.

It’s been 2 months since then, she stopped going to the police station, and the police might have just closed the case by now. She doesn't know what happened later, because that 1 or 2 week were enough to make her exhausted and desperate to forget everything like a bad dream and move on in life.

 she was followed again, now she is scared. She does not want to bother her family and friends and does not want to go the police. She isn't sure of the guy’s identity or sure if she is followed. She dreads going back to the same procedure all over again. Her social, personal, professional life has a direct effect of this case.  All she knows is she does not want to make a fool out of herself, and her mind isn't on the right track. She just wants to stay alert and face it herself no matter what comes across her.

She is a proud female, believes in herself but refuses to believe the society. Is she wrong anywhere?