The CHILL girl

Hi, I want to talk today and I choose this stage because when I am talking to people I know I am not really me.

I am trying so hard to be 'not like every girl' that I forget I am infact a girl.
"Oh no no I am not that clingy type of gf, our relationship isn't like every other relationship, I am chill about things man."

But wait, am I really okay? Its almost funny how well I pretend. Before anyone else points out how I have gained weight, I quickly say it myself, "Oh God I am gaining weight." This is my way of defending myself. It hurts a lil less when you tell yourself things that others might say.

"When was the last time you visited a parlour? Keep yourself groomed", they say.
"Ahh there is so much work, just no time."

The truth is I hate parlours and I don't care about those hair. And you know what go fuck yourself.

But I am chill, I don't feel as much, and common I am not like every girl.
"He has a tinder profile, do you know that?"
"Oh of course I know it, and I am chill about it, its cool."

The truth is I am just another fool. Ignore that pillow turned into a pool.

"What about my self-worth and self-respect? Oh it's too far to reach now. I am absolutely chill now."

I won't overanalyze a situation for more than a few hours or a few years. Trust me, I am cool.

"Seriously you want to buy that pink dress."
"Oh no no"
I will pretend I hate pink coz I am not girly, I am chill. How about denim and some frill.

Secretly I wish I had a 100 shades of lipsticks but hey I am broke. I can only afford a troll.

Chill is the word I have started to hate now. Its my birthday but I am not excited. Chill girls aren't excited about birthdays man. Its just another day. Big deal.

There is so much more to me then being chill but who cares, all they want is a chill girl. I am done being chill, I feel, and I can be a kid. I love balloons and I am in love with cotton candy. I love shopping and some dates mean a lot to me. I am not so fond of travelling, I would rather break a leg on a Saturday night. Its high time I stop pretending for people who mean nothing to me.

Dare you call me chill again or ask me to chill. Trust me I will freeze you with the same chill.

I wish I could tell you

I have a million thoughts in my head
A million thoughts that are breaking me down
A million more that are reminding me of the dead
A million thoughts about how they all fell

How do you justify suicide after suicide?
They were all dead inside
You know right it isn't always all fine
They all died fighting everytime

It's funny how the people who spread love, refuse to love themselves
It's funny how the people who ignite emotions in others, refuse to feel themselves
You know right, they weren't cowards, have you felt absolute helplessness yourself?

They sang, painted pictures, they gave you hope and imagination,
And how, just how in this process they all gave up?
They feel too much, they react in extremes too

I wish I could tell you how much I relate to those who killed themselves
How much I empathize with those who felt too much and did too well
I know how much they wanted to live
I know how much they tried and tried
I know how bravely they fought the battle
I know how they slipped into sadness after every 2 days of joy!
I know they were courageous and kind
I know they didn't choose the easy way
I know they fought for too long
And how in the process of giving us all some strength, they all are gone!

She is simply a hurricane

She is love, fierce,
for love is the only emotion that is universal in the world of emotions.

Water, water is what she is not.
She burns fire, for she is air.

Sometimes she is caught between being idealistic and being practical,
between her and the world.

She is a cyclone, she is dust, she is magic and she is brush.
Paint the picture and make it burst. Colours all around, she is lust.

They say she feels too much.
Thoughts whirl around such, that she forgets how much is much.

She has reached a quarter, it's a phase, will pass,
why is crying such a task.

She is a contradiction between is and was.
She is the letter R, of rain, remember and river.
She flows and falls. She is a thought.

Let her be, don't force her to change.
She dissolves in pain.
She has seen the worst but she can't let go of her trust.
They call her naive but she doesn't believe in labels and definitions.

What are you looking at? Yes she is a girl. Stop judging her by the days in a month. Empathy is her strength and vulnerability is her friend.

She is simply a hurricane.

Cannot seem to find an escape

It began with occasional outbursts, nightmares and feeling of disappointment in myself
It began with the feeling of failure, self blame and extreme anxiety
You know how it feels to not feel yourself?
Like someone has created a rift between you and you
Like you are not you anymore
You don't laugh like before, you cry more often, your anger is insane and you feel scared for yourself
You wake up in the middle of the night, wet, in sweat, mouth open,throat dry
Dad says change your sleeping position, head in the south
Mom tells you to be strong, visit home you will feel better
Brother wants you to start taking those medicines your Psychiatrist friend prescribed
And your sister is in her own mess with teenage issues
There are days you are so positive and the next day you are so negative, so much so you are scared to feel positive coz it's often followed by the feeling of negative
Keep yourself busy, meditate, Yoga might help
But hey will someone tell me how do I get up from the bed?
I don't want to wake up, it's the easiest way to avoid the world, the pain
Easiest to avoid those stares when you walk in that lane
It's funny how you feel you are the most ugliest person around
And still you have a hope to again be found
You know that feeling of extreme helplessness , fatigue, sadness, anger, self pity..Yes that one time when you felt cornered and targeted, that's how I feel every single day.
I pretend to be fine, I pretend I am happy, coz every time I tell people I am not, I don't think they believe me
It's all drama, stop pretending you are depressed
It will pass, it's just a phase
Hey think positive, you will be fine
How about some yoga and exercise
Take those medicines, they will help
You don't want to help yourself
You are used to being mesirable
This happens to everyone
Look they are in much worse condition, stop complaining
Pretend you are happy and stop cribbing
I get anxious, I blame myself, maybe they all are right, maybe I am just stuck here, maybe I am pretending, maybe this is just attention seeking
But it all feels like a web. I can't seem to find an escape.

Do not dare make me feel ashamed of being a woman!

Why are we doing this? Why are we mocking a woman over someone's victories or losses? Why are we sharing those memes and forwarding those absolutely shameful messages? Do we realise this gives rise to what? And what happens when our messed up mentality discusses this? Imagine, your daughter,  your wife, your girlfriend, your mother. Actually don't, doesn't matter, you will still mock other women if not your own. How many women are beaten up each day? Why are they beaten up? Ever imagined? Either the food they cook wasn't cooked properly, or maybe the man is just very drunk, or horny and the women refused to have sex, or maybe she did something that she isn't SUPPOSED to do. Now guys, there is a long list of things not to do for a women. I'm sure I will need some 100 blog posts to write all of them, not today.

I have friends who respect women. Who I feel are normal human beings, but then don't they mock women for being bad drivers or for being possessive and motherly or for caring too much, being weak physically? They do, so many times, and they don't realise that this stupid mentality goes a long way in ruining the mindset. I'm a firm believer of 'A ocean is made by drops of water' and yes that one stupid comment that you pass, fucks up the whole system. Why can't we just try and stop? Why just men, women are against women in this world as well. Common people,  women have died fighting a brutal rape. Kids are being raped daily. Parents don't want girl child. I don't want a girl child, why, because what is the point? And so much risk involved, I can't see another life being ruled over. Things are messed up, but atleast we the educated class can act a little mature and responsible. It's no more a joke, it's a serious mental condition, that needs to be dealt with right now. I don't know how, but I will keep fighting with everyone who says otherwise, not matter if I'm the only one in the crowd of 20-30-40. Do not dare make me feel ashamed of being a women, do not.

Ouch! What an end to the haters of love!

She was wind - you wouldn't notice her, until she walked right past you. She would get awkward every time you turned around to check what was that feeling of extreme happiness that walked past you moments ago. She would drown in her own inhibitions, and yet emerge victorious every time you challenged her. She was wind.

He was a cyclone. It was impossible for anyone to ignore him. He was the disco ball of every party. He would confidently look into your eyes and take your breath away. He would win every challenge that came across him with grace. He was in love with himself. He was cyclone.

And when they met - oh! isn't it pretty easy to guess? The wind was lost in the cyclone. She whirled around, up and down, round and round, she didn't know what was happening to her. She was dancing like she never had never before. But soon, the dust joined in, and then the wind and the cyclone couldn't breath. They wanted to break free but dust was powerful. But hey did they give up? The wind lost her trust, she was lost in her inhibitions, she had stopped breathing. The cyclone kept fighting, he kept fighting for himself, he wanted to break-free no matter what. But the dust was powerful, and he laughed at them, he mocked them, he threw them around, and he entered their hearts.

But who knew, the the wind will suddenly wake up, and try to breathe, and try harder, and she did. She whirled around like never before, danced exactly how the cyclone had taught her to. She danced, and she grabbed the cyclone, now they both were one.

Dust gave up. Too soon? But who will have the guts to challenge, a love so pure? Cyclone calmed down, her hug had worked, he kissed her, and they both came to a stand-still leaving the dust alone. The dust came dashing to the ground. And ouch what an end to the haters of love!

Hey girl, isn't this a beautiful world?

A million stars adored the sky that night, lying on the green grass, she stared at the moon and she asked, "Is this why the world is so beautiful?"

The man in the black tshirt, playing the game of beats, dropping it, throwing it above, trying to drown everyone around, with what? Just joystick, and maybe the head that wasn't in the conscious anymore. The green light would dance with those beats and spread like a wild fire spreads in a jungle. The water couldn't stop glowing, it looked as though it smiled, those crazy humans were craving for some more, and the water was there, lying, calm, in its own world, untill some splashed it to stay with the beat.

Trees talk. They didn't lie. Trees really talk. They tell you how insanely crazy nature is. It drives you, literally. It keeps you grounded. It lifts you up and throws you right at the bottom without even hurting you.

The energy in the air is just a mind-game, you try to control your mind, your energy gives up. Energy is rather adventouros, it wants you to let it be, it wants you to explore, it wants you to never stop, energy is addictive, it will drive you nuts, yet you won't stop smiling. It's a simple mind-game. 

"Your hands and legs want to move,let them move, do not control the energy, let those trees talk to you, let the music drown you, let that joystick give you a nightmare, let that water calm you down with a splash", she told her. 

Walk on those dried leaves, go hug someone, put your hands in the air and let loose, try, just try sticking your ear to the speaker, maybe maybe, you will find all your answers, maybe you will believe in magic, because magic my friend is the only reality, everything else is an illusion.

And so the girl answered her own question,"This is why the world is so beautiful, yes, it is."

Left my phone in Uber, the driver refuses to own up

20/02/2016 - I left my phone in a Uber SUV - Toyota Innova (MH-06-J8193). The name of the driver is Suraj Ruke.

I took an Uber from Western Railway Cricket Ground, Lower Parel at 2:32 PM to Nehru Nagar, Kurla. I reached my destination at 3:39 PM (The timings are in my Uber Receipt). As soon as the car left, I realized that I forgot my phone in the car, immediately (Within a couple of minutes, I'm trying to obtain the call log of the person whose phone I used) I called on my number, expecting the driver will answer the phone, guess what, it was switched off. Now I can definitely say that the phone had 60% battery and was on charging when I left it in the car.

Uber Receipt

How can I be so sure that it did not fell down and went off?
Moto G3 has an inbuilt battery, so possibilities of it going off within 2 minutes on its own are very low. So there are still 99.9% chances that the driver switched off the phone, considering he won't get his next passenger in 2 mins.

My last seen on whatsapp is 3:38 PM so chances of me dropping it somewhere on the way are also quite less. I also sent an image on a whatsapp group at 3:27 PM. Though all this aren't valid evidences, I'm sure the driver has taken the phone.

Last Seen on whatsapp

Image sent at 3:27 PM

With my conversations with the driver on the way, he told me he owns this car and he and a partner have 7 cars that are with Uber. Well, Uber has given me the information that he isn't the owner but merely a hired driver. I would like to believe that this is man is a crook. I had 2 kids with me when I got off, and they are also sure that I left my phone in his car.

The police is also helping me in every way they can, hoping that they just increase their speed of the whole process. Nonetheless I'm glad they are hearing me out and doing what needs to be done and whatever is under their control.

Uber has been patient with my anger and has been providing me all the information I have asked them for till now. They have promised me to help me in anyway they can, and I appreciate that. I still cannot say this man took my phone openly, until it is proved. Either he proves that he hasn't taken the phone or I prove that he has. The later sounds more convincing.

She was a mess - forever

She was a mess. She learnt every lesson the hard way. She loved and she lost. She fought and she fought. Nothing ever gave her strength for more than a few moments. She pulled people towards her and then pushed the same people away from her. She was often confused. She would make a plan, dress up, and in the very next moment she would be sad and in two minds to go or not to go. She was a mess and it wasn't cool.

She was love. She made happiness out of every emotion. She found joy in little things. She loved herself. She was organised and excited and beautiful. Her heart was of gold and silver and glitter and so many different colours. She gave strenght to many. She would crack jokes and make people happy. She had moments of despair but those wouldn't last for more than a few moments. She was happiness and made up of love.

She loved and she lost, yet again. Only this time the love lasted a little longer than usual and she believed it is forever. But she was wrong, yet again. She was a mess again. And you know it is more difficult to be a mess after being happiness. Because people don't believe your head and your heart. They say it's temporary because a women made up of so much substance cannot lose so easily. But who knew the depth of those scars. They kept saying 'It will be okay', 'You will be fine'. Who knew the transition was difficult, time consuming and painful. When those hopes are crushed again and again and again, it becomes harder and harder and harder to be able to walk again. Untill then, she dragged herself through, because contradicting to everything, life had been unfair enough to give her those small chunks of strenght.

She didn't need the advice, what she really needed was a hand to hold, a ear to listen and a heart to understand. She wanted that 'everything will be fine' to change to 'you are beautiful'. Sometimes all you need is someone to remind you that  'You are beautiful'

I'm guilty!

As I was beginning my morning meeting on a Wednesday , Arman walked in with his sister, crying. Unusual, because Arman had started to love school and would enjoy learning, unusual also because his mother hadn't come to drop him. As he entered class, I asked him why was he crying. He ignored my question and kept asking me, whether his mom or dad or someone from home will come to pick him up from school in the evening.

I assured him they would, but he wouldn't stop crying until I let him cry and continued with my morning meeting. Sometime later he got angrossed in the classroom activities and stopped crying.

In the recess, I took him on a walk around the school and asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I kept trying to know what was wrong because I was sure something was extremely wrong. After a while he opened up. What he said got tears to my eyes and stabbed me inside.

'Didi yesterday I made a mistake, my mom got angry and she hit me, and she said I don't want a son like you, tomorrow I will leave you to school and not come to take you back'

'Arman does she do this all the time?'

'No Didi, but whenever she does, I feel she will really not come to take me back, didi what if she does not come today? Am I a bad son?' Tears rolling down his eyes.

No Arman, relax, she will come back, she is just angry, she loves you, she will definitely come to take you'

So many kids, including all of us, may have had similiar experiences like these. Do we as a parent or a teacher or even as a human ever think about these small things that affects a kid so much? Do we realise that these small little things, build up to damage the confidence, the feeling of security, of a child? Do we realise that this little kid might grow up and become the most insecure person we know? This little kid will have a huge inferiority complex, that will hold him back from being the best he can be? I ask myself these questions, and I feel guilty for saying whatever I said to a friend who was being stupid, because she wasn't sure if she should buy a expensive phone or save money for her grad school and she choose buying the expensive phone. I feel guilty for telling my mother she did not do anything to solve her problems in life. I feel guilty for shouting at a kid when he could not speak in a loud and clear voice. I feel guilty when I unknowingly made fun of that boy in my school who was the most quite and secluded person I have ever met.

I'm guilty.

Needs and Wants

“What is the point of this discussion?” I asked my mom in anger as the discussion on whether financial independence is a primary or a secondary quality in a potential groom. She obviously is of an opinion that it is very important for a successful marriage, but is it really that important? No, before you start guessing the background of my mother, let me tell you she comes from a well-educated, open-minded (as cliched as it may sound) Sindhi family, so much so that she was married off to a Gujarati boy very happily in the early 90s after dating him for good 7 years.

I don’t deny that money is important, but does that mean you can compromise on the understanding. I have seen couples earning lakhs together and yet so unhappy. Does money decide your happiness? She argues, you cannot knowingly jump into the fire. But maybe knowingly jumping will hurt a little lesser than getting a shock later. If there is no emotional attachment, no understanding, how do you think will you ever be able to earn to be happy? Earning money isn't easy, why? Because most of us don’t earn to live, we earn to survive, we earn because of a lot of external reasons. Society, People, Luxury, Peer pressure etc. And then we call this HAPPINESS. What are we really confused about? Definition of money, definition of earnings or definition of happiness? I wonder, as I think about all that I hear each day. Is being materialistic a cool thing these days? Why is there such a wide gap between poor and rich? Because we have created that rift, right? Poverty is when you can’t afford the basic things in life, and rich is when you can afford everything in life. But do we really need everything? NEED? Maybe our WANTS have taken over our happiness. We look for happiness in that one dinner we spend on in a luxurious hotel and check-in to show the world. We look for happiness in choosing to travel by flight where we can easily travel by train. We look for happiness when we buy imported cookies instead of those Parle-G biscuits. I don’t say, all this is bad. It sure isn’t but do these things decide how happy we are? They don’t. I don’t know how people without all these comforts of life survive but the belief that we will survive and remain happy without all these temporary things is real happiness. 

Hopelessly Hopeful

She lay down there, on her bed
You know how it is to struggle to keep your eyes open and close
At the same time?
Darkness and light.
It feels like you can't walk a step further nor a step behind.
She lay down there all alone, dreaming the real
Imaginations can cause harm, she never knew
The real was all a imagination come true
He walked in quite, lay besides her
Hand on her head, on her shoulder he had his head
She felt heavy in her head, like something unreal would hit her head
Her eyes wide open, she could feel the pain
Hopelessly hopeful as things always get
She gave her hand for him to rest

Into her eyes....

Into her eyes, the world I see Is the world that breaths on humanity. I have no faith for I know its fake, But those beautiful eyes make me believe otherwise She asks me to walk away And my only hope is fizzing out I struggle to breath , longing for her love, that keeps me around The ocean of tears that her eyes shed each day, If only I could take charge and control them I have no hope, no faith, I know there is no humanity But somehow I like to tell myself I'm insane. For into her eyes the world I see, is the world that breaths on humanity I want to see her win the fight, And make me believe that she is right. If I had a choice to make her mine, I would not think once, I wouldn't think twice. Into her eyes......

I'm just as human as you

I’m a woman. I’m a citizen of India. I’m a HUMAN.

There have been times, when I have been labelled as a ‘loud’, ‘over-reacting’, ‘short-tempered’ girl. But I have never understood why a normal reaction about an issue is as heinous as rape, or child labor, or even women-empowerment an over-reaction? Aren’t we all supposed to do something about this? Aren’t we all supposed to get up and walk miles for this to stop?

I remember reading a news about a molestation incident some years back, I reached college and got into a discussion with a male friend. The incident that I had read about was about a young girl being molested on a busy street and nobody came forward to help or even had the guts to call the police. The friend I was talking to said, ‘In India, messing up with the police is the last thing anyone will do? It is just too exhausting and you never know you might be put behind the bars’. I asked him, ‘What if a girl is being molested in front of you, what you will do then?’ He had no answer to that.

I remember watching a film – ‘Lessons in forgetting’ at a film festival while I was on my college IV. I kept crying the entire movie, and couldn’t get over the helplessness of being a women even after the movie. Two of my male friends while trying to console me said this is India, you can’t do anything but protect yourself. Changing the mindset will take infinite time. I said, ‘But it has to start somewhere, it has to get somewhere, this isn’t the problem of one woman, there are thousands out there’. The conversation still remains incomplete.

I kept denying the fact that nothing can change, there is no hope. I kept arguing about how India is our country, the people who do wrong things are us, and the people who are victimized are us as well. I kept fighting, I kept thinking, I kept feeling outraged. I could never think of running away from the problem. People kept saying, don’t do this, don’t do that. It is unsafe to go out in the dark. It’s unsafe to wear body-hugging clothes. It’s unsafe to party with friends. It’s unsafe to travel alone. I would never listen.

March 2013: I remember being pulled in a car by four unknown guys, taken to a deserted place in an attempt to ‘have some fun’. As they say, ‘Luck favors the brave’ I escaped with no physical scars. Reading this, there will be a lot of people thinking, why the fuck is this girl revealing this online. My parents might feel angry too. But this incident shattered me. I would give all the excuses in the world to not go out of the house. I started feeling inferior. I started to break-down too often. Mood-swings. Anger. Self-pity. All this made me so vulnerable, that I hated the fact that I was a women. I would cry all day thinking, if ever I get married, I won’t give birth to a girl child. I would cry all day feeling powerless. I could not confide in anybody. I couldn’t talk to anybody. I was dying each day, and it was directly effecting all my relationships.

I’m still figuring out what got me out of all that negative thoughts.

February 2014: I applied for a fellowship at Teach For India.

I know a lot of people who talk about Indian economy and how they want to settle in some other country. I have really close friends who think India isn’t the country for higher education and how other countries have a lot of offer. What I don’t understand is aren’t we all trying to run away from the problems? When we talk about civil rights, why do we forget our duties? ‘I pay my taxes, I’m doing my duty’, really? Aren’t you and me responsible for the Delhi gang rape? Aren’t we responsible for a brilliant kid saying, ‘what’s the point of studying so much, I’m going to end up where I was born anyway’ Aren’t we all responsible for global warming, lack of opportunities, crime rates rising?

A lot of people will still say, ‘hum kya karr sakte hai’ But to be honest it’s not because we have no hopes, it’s because we aren’t working hard, we don’t want to take the efforts, we don’t want to put ourselves in trouble, because we always want a guarantee, because we are lazy, because we are selfish. Because we think money can fucking buy happiness.

Well, that’s how it is. And I don’t know when we will take the efforts to live in this country, face all the shit with utmost courage and be a part of the history.

I’m a woman, who has gone through things that is only a certain percentage in this country. I don’t mind just surviving and not living (as people view comfort today) if I have a purpose in life. And a purpose is most definitely not a luxurious life. It does not count as a purpose. I will die hoping that none of the kids I see in my teaching career commits any kind of crime but instead works for the betterment of the society (which is highly difficult, considering the statistics of different crimes in this country) but I won’t give up. Because I’m not only a woman but I’m also a citizen of this country and most importantly I’m a HUMAN.

Sometimes.

Sometimes all you want to do is run away. Somewhere where there is no one. No human to feel any emotions other than bliss. Too much of a human contact is terrible sometimes. It just makes you more and more vulnerable. You are not you around people. You are you only when you are with yourself. I'm a people person, I can't be alone for a long time. I'm terrified of the people who don't like interaction. But sometimes I feel that is what I need. No interaction. No one to talk to. No one to hang out with. No one to expect anything from. No one to be a reason for my happiness. Because my happiness is mine after all. No one can understand my happiness nor can they understand my sorrow.

I'm a mess. People will label me a drama queen, but who are these people? People who you are running away from. People who in the end are the reason you are writing this. People who somehow inspire you to not give a fuck about them. People who are nothing but just another set of humans who are messed up in their own head, just like you are. You can write about it. Maybe they can't. They are just living with it, without uttering a word.

'I feel' because you might not feel the same

I don't understand why are things in my school not organised. Why are there not enough people to take up responsibilities given to the amount of unemployment in India. I don't understand why there isn't a proper communication mechanism in place considering that there are 4 different mediums working in the same building in 2 different slots. No I don't suffer from any OCDs. In fact I believe OCDs are over-rated.They shouldn't exist unless you are clinically diagnosed with that. Still they shouldn't exist. Okay. Point. To ask for perfection is not too much. To ask for an organised organisation isn't being sick. Its normal. Very normal. Okay, we teachers will sit for 2 hours extra every Saturday and clean our school but where is the discipline (that we claim to teach our kids and say it is essential for being given a place in the society in the category of good people) in just running the school without any chaos and disorder (I mention both chaos and disorder because I feel both when mentioned alone are lesser evil than what we teachers face in our day to day lives).

My left hand was almost about to get fractured (doctor said) because of this very chaos. I won't mention the incident as that will just ruin my beautiful writing. So you give in the rare people you have to mould your future for saving on hiring more people into an organisation or maybe I should say institution so very important. At first I felt infuriated when a parent said, 'aapko paagar milti hai kaam karneki' I literally wanted to stab her with a pencil that my 7 year olds use to write what I teach. But then I realised she is in the same boat as me (and she can push me in the sea). How can u expect a normal human being to stay calm in a overly disorganised organisation that is very important for the future generation. Anyway I also feel that I can whine better when Im high on a good book (maybe because it just got over, and I'm back to my usual life).

But again 'I feel' because you might not feel the same.

They never said it was easy!

I always wondered, what keeps people motivated to work?  Is it money, fame, recognition, ambition? How do people leave jobs that give tangible rewards and take up tasks that seems almost impossible, hopeless, and difficult? All my questions were answered instantly, when Mr. Nipun Mehta, founder of ServiceSpace said, “If you are connected to humanity, if you form a circle of love, you won’t need money, fame or recognition”. Think about it.

When after 5 weeks of training, I entered my classroom in a Government school, I was more than surprised to see good infrastructure. I had nothing to complain about with regards to the demographics of my school. But this is a very small percentage of the actual scenario. I know fellows working in dingy classrooms, no fans, no windows, 60 students sitting in a small classroom all crammed up, classrooms with tin roofs which rattle and leak during monsoons etc. All the bright, young professionals, who have left their AC offices, for some who have relocated this is a huge change. But they choose to be the part of a movement, a movement that with the utmost convictions says, ‘one day all children will attain an excellent education’.

All this is fine. All this is what we were prepared for when we committed to dedicate two years to this movement. What comes as a shock is, when we enter a grade 6 classroom and realize only 20% of the kids can speak in English and 50% of the class can understand basic instructions in English. We are here to bridge the gap. To bring our kids to their grade levels, and here we start from the scratch. Not only do we struggle with math, fluency, comprehension, writing, but we also struggle with empowering them to understand and speak in English. But we don’t give up. We promise to give our 100% and do whatever it takes to empower these kids.

What comes next is what we fellows face on a daily basis. Instructional hours: on an average, schools in India are for 5 hours. Out of which a lot of time goes by in settling, recess, morning assembly, virtual class etc. Apart from this, there are a lot of last minute changes to the time-table and our plans. Some days the craft teacher wants an hour with the kids, on the other days the Marathi teacher is rushing with her portion. There are days when the principal calls for a meeting, and on the others the school is celebrating Eid, Holi or Diwali. We are struggling every hour. We have kids from various levels in our classrooms and so it is not uncommon to take on these groups separately to help resolve the differentiation which involves extra class, differentiated plans and constant permissions from the school officials to let us use the classrooms apart from the school hours. In some cases, fellows also resort to teaching in open spaces around the schools.

What still keeps us going? One fine day, Safialam comes and fills my empty water bottle with the water that is in his water bottle. When I asked him why is he doing so? He replies, “Didi, you talk all day, you never complain when you have a sore throat, isn’t it our responsibility to take care of you like you take care of us”. We easily term these kids ‘poor’ or ‘underprivileged’ , ever wondered how do they manage to make you smile every single day with so little to give.

Lost and found

She hated herself. She hated herself for those scars, for loss of people, for pain, for all that added to her confusion, for the organization she worked for, for little things that affected her. She hated herself for her heart, her head and her body. She hated herself because she couldn't love enough or because she loved too much.

Today, as she looks back she has fallen in love with that hate. Hating something, someone is easier than hating you. She does not remember when she suddenly changed, or maybe her thoughts changed. Maybe she was destined to change, but she does not believe in destiny. What was that, that changed her? She fails to get an answer to that, but it does not matter anymore. She needed a motivation, she needed appreciation, she needed respect, and she needed to know that she is absolutely amazing. Sometimes, all you need in life is to be reminded how awesome you are. How your existence is important to someone somewhere somehow. And more often, you won’t believe it when someone who loves you says that. Maybe, maybe because we take our close ones for granted.  

She was a storm, both in and out. And she made it evident almost every time. Today she looks back and realizes she is as calm as those books that speak to you in a way no-one but only you will understand. She loves, and at the same time expects little. She dances, and her feet do not get tired. She sings, even if she knows her voice is not heard. She reads, without the fear of losing interest. She looks up in the polluted sky and finds exactly the stars that are not visible to the other million people. She knows that there is something beautiful is in her that has made her what she is today. She looks back often, just to find out what, what has made her this in a matter of 9 months. Has 2014 brought luck, but the very thought of luck makes her sulk. It isn't luck, it’s something else, self-realization? Yes, maybe.

Sometimes, your thoughts are a hurdle in discovering yourself. Sometimes, you don’t know how you are different from others. Sometimes you idolize someone so much that you want to be them. And then life brings you here, where your thoughts change, your discoveries are immense, you accept that you aren't one of those, and you start idolizing yourself. And from there you rise up, in yourself. You don’t need any more external appreciation, or any more external motivation or any more external respect to be yourself. Because you now believe in yourself, and automatically you start believing in life, in humanity. 

For helping educate, is empowering an entire generation

Education is the only sustainable way that you can empower someone. And thus, in February 2014, I dared to fill in the form of Teach ForIndia Fellowship. Today, I’m teaching, 40 little 2^nd graders at a Municipal School in Kurla (Mumbai).

After working for a year in a small PR consultancy, I realized it wasn't my cup of tea. A knack for teaching, too much love for kids, and a desire to make a difference, made me join Teach For India.

My Classroom is full of love and joy. My kids are enthusiastic, they love art, colors, dance, answering and asking questions. They come from the communities around the school. Some also come from communities away from school.

My kids belong to the age-group of 7-8 year olds. This is the age when a child learns to become independent, develop values and mindsets, starts to build greater physical strength, shows rapid development in mental skills, begins to work in groups and express himself/herself in different ways.

Keeping this in mind, I have designed my presence in their lives. From Academic Achievement, Values and mindsets to Exposure and Access, I’m here to provide them with everything I can for empowering them to become independent and responsible citizens of India.

My vision for my kids is: they will be able to differentiate the wrong and the right, be passionate about whatever they do, and be able to make a difference to the world around them in whatever small ways they can.

For this, here are some things I’m doing in my class:

1.     *  We and Our Heroes: Our Class will learn about fictional and non-fictional heroes, their work, their life, their people and their values. We will identify and meet the heroes in our community and learn from them. We will have at-least one idol, which will inspire us to reach our individual goals more efficiently.

* We are a team: We will learn to work in a team, respect each other, and work hard to achieve our goals. We will demonstrate our class values outside our class too. We are also going to play lot of football.

* The ‘WHY’ behind our learning’s: We will know the why behind everything we learn in class, our class rules, class consequences, values etc. We will ask questions and seek to learn every moment.

I signed-up for this single-handedly but to achieve this vision and the goals I need your help. Not only do I need a lot of stationary, books, I need finances for classroom resources, field trips and other logistics.

Your contribution will not only empower 40 kids, but also empower those 40 kids to empower other several people in their communities. You will help in empowering the future. This is a movement, to being a change, to make a difference; it’s a movement towards education equity. If we all believe in this movement, trust me, one day all children will receive an excellent education.

Though I can’t afford to return the favor, but I promise to keep you updated about the happenings in my class. Also my kids love meeting new people, and you are welcome in my class anytime. You will also receive cute drawings from my kids (They absolutely love making gratitude cards) for your generous contributions. And what is more valuable than those smiles.

You can help me in many other ways. Reach out to me with your suggestions and questions through mails at ruchika.thakkar2014@teachforindia.org.  I will be glad to hear from you.

Hoping to get your love and support.

PS: Sharing a link to my Flipkart Wishlist : http://www.flipkart.com/wishlist?link=home_wishlist

I need a Football coach urgently. 

Love,

Ruchika Thakkar

“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”
― Charles Bukowski

When I look around, I see so much happiness

‘When I look around, I see so much pain’, she thought to herself. Her purpose before taking the big decision of applying to Teach For India was to do something for the humanity.

And now: ‘When I look around, I see so much happiness’, she thought to herself. Her purpose is a little clearer now. She is here to do something for the humanity. That something is giving some comfort, some happiness, some love.

No, those kids with broken homes, with small desires, being beaten up every day, walking to school alone, they do not need sympathy, they do not need your money, your gifts, they need safe environment, they need fun, they need happiness, they need love. Give them just a hug and they will hug you every day. Share your tiffin with them, and see the pride in their eyes. Give them small little star stickers, and they will treasure it for life.

No, my work is not difficult. I love kids, I love humanity, I love simplicity. And no, I wasn't born with all this, I came to be this over time. When that one kid in your class, who would sit quite, wouldn't share, eat her tiffin alone, comes to you one fine day with a packet of star shaped candies and says “Didi this is for you, no-one gives you stars no”, you can’t help but love your work. When that one kid honestly raises his hands, when you ask the class, who does not like didi, you know they feel safe in your class.

In past 3 months, more than anyone, I have come to discover myself. I have come to being happy, patient, loving and kind. All the philosophical stuff suddenly makes sense to me now. How much we complain, how much we cry, how irritated we really are, give it a thought.

No, I am not doing any social work. I’m getting paid for it. I love teaching, this is an amazing experience and this is leadership program, which helps me become a leader. But now all this is secondary. I love my work, I love my kids, and I’m here to make a difference. Difference in the life of others and myself.