I'm just as human as you

I’m a woman. I’m a citizen of India. I’m a HUMAN.

There have been times, when I have been labelled as a ‘loud’, ‘over-reacting’, ‘short-tempered’ girl. But I have never understood why a normal reaction about an issue is as heinous as rape, or child labor, or even women-empowerment an over-reaction? Aren’t we all supposed to do something about this? Aren’t we all supposed to get up and walk miles for this to stop?

I remember reading a news about a molestation incident some years back, I reached college and got into a discussion with a male friend. The incident that I had read about was about a young girl being molested on a busy street and nobody came forward to help or even had the guts to call the police. The friend I was talking to said, ‘In India, messing up with the police is the last thing anyone will do? It is just too exhausting and you never know you might be put behind the bars’. I asked him, ‘What if a girl is being molested in front of you, what you will do then?’ He had no answer to that.

I remember watching a film – ‘Lessons in forgetting’ at a film festival while I was on my college IV. I kept crying the entire movie, and couldn’t get over the helplessness of being a women even after the movie. Two of my male friends while trying to console me said this is India, you can’t do anything but protect yourself. Changing the mindset will take infinite time. I said, ‘But it has to start somewhere, it has to get somewhere, this isn’t the problem of one woman, there are thousands out there’. The conversation still remains incomplete.

I kept denying the fact that nothing can change, there is no hope. I kept arguing about how India is our country, the people who do wrong things are us, and the people who are victimized are us as well. I kept fighting, I kept thinking, I kept feeling outraged. I could never think of running away from the problem. People kept saying, don’t do this, don’t do that. It is unsafe to go out in the dark. It’s unsafe to wear body-hugging clothes. It’s unsafe to party with friends. It’s unsafe to travel alone. I would never listen.

March 2013: I remember being pulled in a car by four unknown guys, taken to a deserted place in an attempt to ‘have some fun’. As they say, ‘Luck favors the brave’ I escaped with no physical scars. Reading this, there will be a lot of people thinking, why the fuck is this girl revealing this online. My parents might feel angry too. But this incident shattered me. I would give all the excuses in the world to not go out of the house. I started feeling inferior. I started to break-down too often. Mood-swings. Anger. Self-pity. All this made me so vulnerable, that I hated the fact that I was a women. I would cry all day thinking, if ever I get married, I won’t give birth to a girl child. I would cry all day feeling powerless. I could not confide in anybody. I couldn’t talk to anybody. I was dying each day, and it was directly effecting all my relationships.

I’m still figuring out what got me out of all that negative thoughts.

February 2014: I applied for a fellowship at Teach For India.

I know a lot of people who talk about Indian economy and how they want to settle in some other country. I have really close friends who think India isn’t the country for higher education and how other countries have a lot of offer. What I don’t understand is aren’t we all trying to run away from the problems? When we talk about civil rights, why do we forget our duties? ‘I pay my taxes, I’m doing my duty’, really? Aren’t you and me responsible for the Delhi gang rape? Aren’t we responsible for a brilliant kid saying, ‘what’s the point of studying so much, I’m going to end up where I was born anyway’ Aren’t we all responsible for global warming, lack of opportunities, crime rates rising?

A lot of people will still say, ‘hum kya karr sakte hai’ But to be honest it’s not because we have no hopes, it’s because we aren’t working hard, we don’t want to take the efforts, we don’t want to put ourselves in trouble, because we always want a guarantee, because we are lazy, because we are selfish. Because we think money can fucking buy happiness.

Well, that’s how it is. And I don’t know when we will take the efforts to live in this country, face all the shit with utmost courage and be a part of the history.

I’m a woman, who has gone through things that is only a certain percentage in this country. I don’t mind just surviving and not living (as people view comfort today) if I have a purpose in life. And a purpose is most definitely not a luxurious life. It does not count as a purpose. I will die hoping that none of the kids I see in my teaching career commits any kind of crime but instead works for the betterment of the society (which is highly difficult, considering the statistics of different crimes in this country) but I won’t give up. Because I’m not only a woman but I’m also a citizen of this country and most importantly I’m a HUMAN.