I often look at them and think, is this love or sympathy?

I often look at them and think, is this love or sympathy? You know that feeling of being caught up in your own thoughts, and never being able to find the answers. Love – vague but beautiful, sympathy- again vague but essential.  Sympathy because you love them or you love them because you feel sympathetic.  I have always been caught up with this. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. People hate sympathy but it isn't a bad thing, or is it?

Oh look, he needs love, so I’m giving him that warmth or Oh look he is adorable, and I love him.

Oh look, she does not have a supportive family, so I will give her as much support as I can, or oh look she can do wonders, why not support her as much as I can.

Conflicting mind, kind soul is a weird combination. You never know if it’s the mind that makes you feel for someone or the soul. Those lovely little sparkling eyes make you do things or that kind little heart inside you is enough to pick up the brush and paint the future. I have wondered all my life, trying to figure out if its just me, myself or is it influenced by an external condition, force or whatever.

Is sympathy really bad, or is this another mindset society has created for man? Is humanity a condition or is it a natural everyday life process, I wonder. She kisses my palms, looking at my mehendi. She saves some candy just so that she can share it with me. He draws a new animal everyday to get those little stars from me. He smiles a million times, because I like smiling faces.  I look at him and wonder what will he grow up to be. I look at her and think what will be her next question.

They all leave home and come to me for 5 hours, because they love me, being around, or because school is compulsory. They come because they want to get out of those tiny houses, or because they really love me?

I wonder. I wonder each day. Is it sympathy that keeps me going or is it empathy?

Sometimes saying sorry is just not enough!!!

A cheeky, pampered, dramatic girl that she had been for the first twenty years of her life came crashing down sometime back. She could scam, flirt, make a big deal out of everything and be a bitch to almost every guy she met. When the situation turn worst she could manage to squeeze out few fake tears and gain as much sympathy as she could to force people to love her and when everything failed, she would build a tower out of lies like a motherfucker. For her a consequence was a narrow concept that was nothing more than a chart kids make in high school.

And like they say, Karma, almost slapped her face, turning it red and blue. The guy she was best friends with, the guy she had fallen for, the guy she had almost given up half of her shit dumped her (for all the aforementioned reasons) . The excuses about her imperfect childhood, the excuses about how they had been together for 3 years and how she would die if he leaves her, those real tears and that genuine fear, nothing was working. When he broke up with her she was obviously devastated. Just like, ‘pick up a knife and chop off your own head’ devastated. He called her a bitch. He called her true feelings bullshit. She had to face the real consequences now. There was no fixing here, it was a fairy tale nor was it a bollywood movie.

She was a problem solver. She had always been a fixer, she always found solutions for almost everything, and here she was stuck, stuck with the reality. She felt like a fool, when she tried reasoning out with herself, saying he will come back one day, this will pass or he is going to miss her. There was no coming back happening here. He had gone, tired of her shit, he had lost more than she had.

She fucked up something beautiful by being a psychotic bitch, with her irrational and dramatic ideas, mixing her true genuine love with her insecurities and she was now trying to fix the unfixable.

So I guess it’s like this: sometimes in life, you will do horrible, shitty things that make you want to cringe and slap yourself over the head.  Then you will feel so awful that you will want to take action to try and “fix” them.  But you can’t.  Because sometimes, the things we do are too awful to fix and saying sorry is just not enough.  And you’ve got to put down the phone or get off Facebook and just let it be.  And sit with the horrible, shitty thing you did and know that even sorries come with consequences.

We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.” – Charles Bukowski

“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.” – Charles Bukowski

For years she believed what society told her. She kept learning looking at the actions of those around her. She was just another product of the society’s inability of reasoning and fake love. She grew up thinking love was not just about giving unconditionally but there were any ifs and buts to it.

She was put into a new world for a few weeks. She was told everything she could never believe. She could not accept anything for a long time. And when she did, she wasn’t aware of it as it was a very unconscious effort. Love and gratitude and the concept of Seva, somehow touched her. Maybe she always believed in those, but the society suppressed those feelings and forced the feeling of hatred and selfishness on her. She was in peace. She couldn’t involve herself in so much love, but looking at as a observer, gave her a lot of peace. She was happy to stand in the audience, without moving an inch and look at those on the stage, genuinely loving each other.

Peace does not last forever. She was sent back to the world she belonged to, to impart the things she had learnt on some tiny souls. She was confident; she was excited, she was glad she would be able to be the change. The first thing, after she entered the world of hatred and selfish gains, was mind your own business or you won’t be happy. People will take advantage of your kindness and use you. Was it that easy for people to take your advantage in this universe? When you help others, do you do that to receive something significant from them? Or is the satisfaction you get of helping others enough? The person you are helping, are you giving that person one more chance to be selfish or you are doing it because it makes it easier for the other person, or maybe you are doing it because it gives you some kind of satisfaction. Does the last reason say that you are selfish?

I leave it open for you all, to think, to question, to explain to justify. She is confused, she is lost, she is on a path where such questions will arise. She is strong, she will surpass, but she feels she won’t find the answers ever.